Plan!

Yes, i have a plan! I was trying to create one for quite sometime but just could not put it together on my own that might work. And Viola, today I got up at insane hr and put a lot of thought into it, actually dreaming of all the things and and wrote it down here. I am sure I will miss 50% of what I thought but hopefully, it is a good start and you can see genuine effort. You can agree(by not changing it) /disagree/add/delete/etc, If we agree to executing a plan (does not have to be this), we will need to move it to a shared space, we can figure it out.

Goal: Get back to how we were 3 yrs ago before Rajasthan. That friendship was beautiful and had everything. How do we measure this? Using constructive feedback and listening properly:

G1. Bring the smiles back - are we arguing or are we laughing together bringing those insane eye-watering smiles back.

G2. Value add: are we motivating, inspiring, and making other feel good?

G3. Sharing: share our thoughts, be available where needed, and become a pillar of strength.

G3. Fear & Risk: are we able to overcome fear and not feel the risk?

G4: Treat each other as equals in the relationship

G4. Once we get to a better place, we can look at what 'sustainable' looks like.

G5. I want you to like me again :)

It starts with a WHY! It actually does, without a compelling reason why work on something and spend time and energy, right? And also need to write down why it is not needed as a counterargument.

Why: You can agree, disagree, add, etc to this. I feel I have downplayed your side as I did not want to assume.

W1. We matter a lot to each other! This is not an assumption I am making, I know this for sure by words, actions, thoughts, etc. There has not been a single instance where I have doubted it, I might have asked for it but never doubted it. If I do not matter to you, then do not read further. Just let me know, ashte. 

W2. We want to make a +ve difference in each other's lives: We care and want to show that and have the power to make +ve impact on the other.

W3. Happiness: You have this insane ability to make me happy. I do not want you to doubt this. Even the smallest of gestures from you makes me happy. If I compare all the arguments and heated conversations from 2024 to the one special week, the special week wins by a huge margin (I'm not discarding the horrible impact of the arguments or dismissing them, they need to go away). Like, I can do anything to have that special week again. And I think I make you happy when I am good to you. 

W4. Pain: I have created a lot of pain and have to remove it. It is not up to you to do that, I have created it and I have to clean up the mess. And I have to do it for myself, to be able to see my face in the mirror.

W5. Missing each other: I miss you like crazy like there is not a time of the day when I do not think about you and miss you. I know you miss me too.

W6. Reality rather than imagination: We both spend a lot of time thinking of the other. We can aswell put that time into making reality better than leaving it to the imagination.

W7: It is needed: I need this, I do not want to accept being like this with you, I want to make a difference. And I am not doing this coz everything else is settled (I know the reality of it), I am doing this coz you are a priority for me. Hope you feel I am a priority for you.

Why not: Actually, I do not have a reason not to do it, Ill jot down a couple from your perspective.

N1. Things will not change: I have not changed in the last 3 yrs, so there is no evidence that I will change and make it work. My argument - I think I can change when I put my mind to it and I have a lot invested here to make the change happen.

N2. Situation: I have always found a reason and will leave you hanging again. I do not have control over my situation. My argument - I have realized that my situation if for me to handle and I am up for it.

N3. Moved on/made peace: You have gone through a lot and do not want to repeat it. You have made peace with it and are in a better place. My argument - I cannot counter this but somewhere I feel (and hope) you have not moved and want me around. Why make peace with a horrible me, you deserve the good me.

Rules: we need rules and exceptions to be defined. I am writing down a few based on our conversations. 

1. No talk of some future someday: The issues are there today and have to be addressed today without talk about the future someday

2. Resect: this is not negotiable, respecting others is the most important

3. Showing care and apologizing genuinely

4. Slips: we are bound to have slips and repeat some hurtful behavior, especially me. We need to talk about it and not stop this action plan.

Plan: Make changes to the rules, whys, and exceptions but not to the goal.

1 Month pilot till end of Jan - to see if this is worth it and if I will genuinely show the change needed. If I don't, then we can talk about what next. 

2 Months of full execution assuming it is good enough time to identify change and make things better. It can happen before also

End of 3 months, review the situation and either transition to BAU or continue or come up with something. 

Measure: Take 10 mins every week to review the week as per the goals. Use 'I statements' to provide constructive feedback, it cant be argued, defended or used to hurt the other. We can ask for clarity to get better. But what the other felt has to be agreed and respected, period!

1. Did we make the other smile or did we hurt them? Can give examples of both.

2. Did we value add or the time was wasted?

3. Is the fear reduced or does it look more risky.

Actions: 

Mine is a way bigger list:

A1. Show respect - not negotiable

A2. Do not defend: do not discard anything shared, ask for clarity to understand better.

A3. Do not ping daily: I don't think this is helping and just makes it weird thanks to my expectations. I need to figure out what works.

A4: Do not contradict - clarify immediately and make it go away than giving different versions.

A5: build confidence and remove the fear

A6: face conflict head-on rather than avoid it. Like why avoid talking about K, let me start with it and get it out of the way it ut helps. 

Yours:

A7: Work with me, I know it is hard, ill try to make it easy, pls swapla change maadona.

A8. Ping me once in a while, I know you find it risky but you know when I am online on the grp etc. We can figure a way out until it feels non-risky

A9. Give feedback, I need it to change

General:

A10. Use "I statement" and share feelings rather than conclusions. I know you have tried in the past, can we do it again pls. 

A11. Do not assume: a lot of assumptions which has led to misunderstanding. Let us ask more questions and get clarity. 

That is all I can remember now, I will update if I find anything more. Hope you made it this far and did not give up at W1 or in between. I think Andy Dufresne's words fit in very well here.

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Dear Red,
If you're reading this, you've gotten out. And if you've come this far, maybe you're
willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the town, don't you? I could use a good man to help me get my project on wheels. I'll keep an eye out for you and the chessboard ready.

Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing,
maybe the best of things, and no good
thing ever dies. I will be hoping that
this letter finds you, and finds you well.

Your friend

Andy

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This is not some BS hope for the future but for today, now, I have hopes for us my best friend and I will do anything to make it worth it :)

I hope to execute this plan with you and achieve the goals and many more things that come our way. 

With loads of bone-crushing hugs, yours, Rascal Ravi :)