I dono how I can fuck up my comms so bad, it must be wrong if it always lands the opposite of what I want to say. It cant be anyone taking it wrong, it must be me saying it wrong. I always thought I was good at expressing myself, but last yr or so has taught me that I am shit at it.
So where do I start? To find out what to change, I need to find out what is wrong.
1. When I say something, I have an underlying thought process that makes everything I say correct. To an extent when I think it was incredible and then when I say it, it just turns out to be horrible. For example, I say 'The words versus actions are not matching, the message is confusing as the words say 'gone' but actions say 'back', I act on the 'being back' part and clarity is needed'. Coz my underlying thought is 'I want it back in my life', I feel the message is good 'be clear and stick to your actions of being back and do not say 'gone' again'. But when the underlying thought on the receiving end is about feeling hurt and wanting to go away, my words indicate 'horrible confusing message, make up ur mind' and the underlying thought takes over and the answer is 'go away', which is the opposite of what I want. I have so many such examples where I wanted things to get better but conveyed it so badly that it became worse.
So, how to sort this? Mention my underlying thoughts at first and then say the things. But will it land?
2. Context, yes this is the worst. I think of one context and answer, it gets taken in a wider or a different context and conveys a horrible message. And any correction or context setting after that just does not help, the damage is done. When you are already tired and something horrible is said, it hurt and no explanation does not help. This is purely my fuckup.
Should I ask what the context is before answering or set the context in which I am explaining?
3. Loose talk, I do that a lot. But when that happens in a heated argument, it screws up things badly. No apology helps as it just dilutes the entire situation and shows I am not serious about things.
What to do? Being aware of the seriousness of the situation and just not talk bs. There is no question in this,
4. Joke around, which is good, one of my best qualities. But when this is done in a heated argument or on a delicate topic, it end up being pathetic. It not only makes the situation horrible but makes the other feel unimportant and kills the topic, there is no return on this.
Should I ask if I can joke on this? or should I clear things and then joke around? Having a laugh is very important, but when and how is key.
5. Forgetting things, especially the bad ones. I always thought it was a good quality to forget bad and remember the good things. I still think the same. But what if it is not the same on the other side or there are things that still hurt and needs to be cleared but I have forgotten them?
I do not know how to do it? Should I write them down and how will that effect the conversations with the bad thoughts lurking around. Should I pick them up, clarify/solve and then delete it?
5. Listening. This is what I am just not good at, I know it for ever but have done not much about it. I say I will listen but I do not. This makes others unheard and takes away any hope of improvement. OF all the points, this is the biggest problem, the Achilles heel.
A conscious effort is needed to listen first, understand the context, the thoughts and where they are coming from, ask questions to clarify and then talk. Easier said than done, given how quickly I fall back to the old ways. And it gets difficult when all questions are not answered, I have to state my assumptions and understanding. It is hard, feels impossible.
But, what is harder, to live away or to change myself. This is a no brainer, living away kills. So yes, I have all the will, energy and motivation to change. I need to create opportunities to show that I am changing.
For all these things to work, there needs to be comms, open honest bilateral conversations have to happen. And for that, there has to be hope and will to give chances. Not one but many and continue even after yrs of experience of no change. Why would anyone give those many chances and keel feeling beaten up, why would anyone have the will to do it?
I would say instincts and belief. You know I am a decent bloke, you can see the effort, the persistence, the no ego approach, the weird way of showing care and the will to change. I am not just assuming them, I genuinely feel that I show these qualities. That should give some hope to continue on.
And then, the actual end result if I change. I am fun and I can bring laughter and care and tears and moments of silence. That one week is worth a million blah days for me. I think that is worth it :)
SO dig deep, find the will to do this, turn up your natural self, that is enough. There is so much to look forward for, I just love the thought of it :D
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=PIFUWHvSixw
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