Life is very very short!

 Dont worry, this is not my thought, I think the opposite. 

Out of no where Sud called me enquiring about how I am doing and what is going on in my life, I wonder why :) He made this statement on the call when talking about the shit in my life and how we should live life as 'life is very very short'. Poor him, feels bad for me with things I have shared. I dono what he would do if he got to know the actual shit I'm going through :D

Anyways, I feel life is not short, what if it is really long? What are we doing to make it worthwhile and not feel pathetic or a waste of space? What if you have nothing to distract your mind? What will you do if you have to wait forever for great things to happen to you? 

Normally I have answers to them or have the balls to ignore them, but not today. I only have questions and that hurts coz they doubt my instincts and the core of my living.

What if I am wrong, what if I am genuinely discarded and not needed anymore, what if the world has moved on and I am left here to rot, what if I'm waiting coz I cant move on and nothing will change, etc.

I wish I could know the honest truth, not coz I need closure but coz I need some lifeline. How do I see hope when there is no response at all. I am not supposed to enquire with anyone and not get to hear directly. How do you not feel a horrible unwanted asshole who does not deserve anything, not even the crumbs or stale stuff that a street dog gets? Sorry if I am being pathetic, it is ok to accept this I guess :)

Finally, I will wait but I fear ill be dead inside by the time things change. I will wish the best for everyone and try to hang in there, coz that is all I am good at and good for!

Exist!

 What do you do when you do not want to move, you feel so detached, you have lost the will to exist. Add to it the lack of tears and the heart full of pain.

Guess what, this is more common than most other feelings of late. It is hard to close your eyes and go back to your imagination when you know you have nothing in reality. Your reality is not even a 0 which would have been good, you could start afresh. It feels like an impossible -ve to turn things from. 

Seriously, what do you do? Just wait in agony for these thoughts to change, some hope to return, some magic to happen that gives you the will to exist!

Discarded!

 I have been having a few conversations where people feel discarded or not needed anymore to the ones they love and care for a lot. How does one handle such things as dejection, the feeling of not being required, how does one look for hope when nothing works, huh!

It is a hard situation to be and it is even harder to not give up hope and keep at it. End of day, it is your own feelings and emotions that you need to handle. Yes, this is due to what happened to you and it is hard to think from the other person's point of view. And finally what do you want the end result to be plays a big role. To move on/ be done with it or you want to wait around for them to come back, it is completely dependent on how you feel about it. The stronger the feeling, the clearer it gets. 

1. Get the clarity and convey it. Either you are done/there is no hope or you want things back with changes. You need that clarity first. 

2. The most important thing is to forgive as that lifts the weight. Irrespective of what you want, forgiveness helps you heal.

3. If you want to get things back, show up. It is fucking hard to be around when you know that you will not be entertained which is most times worst than being yelled at. Being ignored is difficult to take, given how much it matters to you. Hang in there, good things take time.

4. Find your worth - discarded does not mean you are not good enough. Be kind to yourself, everyone has their reasons. Your life is precious no matter what others say or show. Find your worth.

5. Be kind - to yourself and to others. Try to see where they are coming from and what works for them. It might not be an option for them or you might have pushed them to this stage

6. Look for clues, especially when you are waiting. They will give you hope or clarity when there are no conversations.

7. Trust your gut - your intuitions are a good guide. End of the day, you need to feel it inside. And when you do get that feeling, try not to override. There are times when it feels all wrong and dejected. We go through ups and downs. If it is not clear, give it time. 

8. Most importantly, do not lose yourself in this process, grow and get better. Make sure you live your day. Remember, you need to be good enough for yourself and others you want in your life.

PS: All this can be said but every day will be different and you will go through a rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts. All I do is close my eyes, breathe and go back to the times I want back and that gives me the peaceful energy to carry on with my pursuit. I know I am needed and not discarded!

Leave Alone!

I have never understood what being alone is coz I never gave myself a chance to be alone, I was always surrounded by people. Then I moved to the UK but even there I had people around and when I was physically alone, I craved the company and never let myself embrace it. I feared being on my own and did not know how to handle my thoughts. 

It is only in recent times that I genuinely let myself be alone, isolated myself from the world around me and gave it a chance. It was strange, I kinda like it, I am a decent company and I enjoy the process. But even in this, I am not alone, I have my thoughts, my memories, my fears, my troubles, my likings, my insanity. That is when I realized that being alone is not a physical thing, it is how you feel inside. You can be in a crowd and feel alone or be in the remotest of places all by yourself and feel you have company. 

And I have also realised that one can influence others through their energies, they don't have to be physically around or even talk. Just thinking about a person can impact their energy. You just need to open up for that energy realization. I feel it myself in places where the connection is strong. 

With this background, I really want to know how to be alone or leave someone alone. 

How can I be alone when I find so many thoughts in my head. How can I be alone when you can feel the presence all the time and I just enjoy the company. How can I be alone when the surrounding reminds me of things constantly, actually no, I started to see the surroundings differently thanks to these things :D Like the thought process of looking at beautiful nature around me through the dust, heat, dirt, etc. or living today as it is important and not looking for some far future. Things that make me smile, laugh inside, cry and feel overwhelmed. Basically the whole experience of looking at my emotions and being vulnerable.

And how do I leave someone alone when I have so many thoughts and I live these moments daily in my reality. The world is connected and I am sure those energies are felt across oceans. And when you feel you are needed, opposite words do not matter, they confuse at times but never hinder the thought process. Especially for a person like me who believes in instincts and goes with it.

I still do not understand being alone but I know one thing, there is nothing called alone unless you decide you want it and block your thoughts! Think about it :)

Comms and the stupid me!

 I dono how I can fuck up my comms so bad, it must be wrong if it always lands the opposite of what I want to say. It cant be anyone taking it wrong, it must be me saying it wrong. I always thought I was good at expressing myself, but last yr or so has taught me that I am shit at it.

So where do I start? To find out what to change, I need to find out what is wrong.

1. When I say something, I have an underlying thought process that makes everything I say correct. To an extent when I think it was incredible and then when I say it, it just turns out to be horrible. For example, I say 'The words versus actions are not matching, the message is confusing as the words say 'gone' but actions say 'back', I act on the 'being back' part and clarity is needed'. Coz my underlying thought is 'I want it back in my life', I feel the message is good 'be clear and stick to your actions of being back and do not say 'gone' again'. But when the underlying thought on the receiving end is about feeling hurt and wanting to go away, my words indicate 'horrible confusing message, make up ur mind' and the underlying thought takes over and the answer is 'go away', which is the opposite of what I want. I have so many such examples where I wanted things to get better but conveyed it so badly that it became worse. 

So, how to sort this? Mention my underlying thoughts at first and then say the things. But will it land? 

2. Context, yes this is the worst. I think of one context and answer, it gets taken in a wider or a different context and conveys a horrible message. And any correction or context setting after that just does not help, the damage is done. When you are already tired and something horrible is said, it hurt and no explanation does not help. This is purely my fuckup.

Should I ask what the context is before answering or set the context in which I am explaining? 

3. Loose talk, I do that a lot. But when that happens in a heated argument, it screws up things badly. No apology helps as it just dilutes the entire situation and shows I am not serious about things.

What to do? Being aware of the seriousness of the situation and just not talk bs. There is no question in this,

4. Joke around, which is good, one of my best qualities. But when this is done in a heated argument or on a delicate topic, it end up being pathetic. It not only makes the situation horrible but makes the other feel unimportant and kills the topic, there is no return on this.

Should I ask if I can joke on this? or should I clear things and then joke around? Having a laugh is very important, but when and how is key.

5. Forgetting things, especially the bad ones. I always thought it was a good quality to forget bad and remember the good things. I still think the same. But what if it is not the same on the other side or there are things that still hurt and needs to be cleared but I have forgotten them? 

I do not know how to do it? Should I write them down and how will that effect the conversations with the bad thoughts lurking around. Should I pick them up, clarify/solve and then delete it?

5. Listening. This is what I am just not good at, I know it for ever but have done not much about it. I say I will listen but I do not. This makes others unheard and takes away any hope of improvement. OF all the points, this is the biggest problem, the Achilles heel. 

A conscious effort is needed to listen first, understand the context, the thoughts and where they are coming from, ask questions to clarify and then talk. Easier said than done, given how quickly I fall back to the old ways. And it gets difficult when all questions are not answered, I have to state my assumptions and understanding. It is hard, feels impossible.

But, what is harder, to live away or to change myself. This is a no brainer, living away kills. So yes, I have all the will, energy and motivation to change. I need to create opportunities to show that I am changing.

For all these things to work, there needs to be comms, open honest bilateral conversations have to happen. And for that, there has to be hope and will to give chances. Not one but many and continue even after yrs of experience of no change. Why would anyone give those many chances and keel feeling beaten up, why would anyone have the will to do it?

I would say instincts and belief. You know I am a decent bloke, you can see the effort, the persistence, the no ego approach, the weird way of showing care and the will to change. I am not just assuming them, I genuinely feel that I show these qualities. That should give some hope to continue on. 

And then, the actual end result if I change. I am fun and I can bring laughter and care and tears and moments of silence. That one week is worth a million blah days for me. I think that is worth it :) 

SO dig deep, find the will to do this, turn up your natural self, that is enough. There is so much to look forward for, I just love the thought of it :D

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=PIFUWHvSixw

Plan!

Yes, i have a plan! I was trying to create one for quite sometime but just could not put it together on my own that might work. And Viola, today I got up at insane hr and put a lot of thought into it, actually dreaming of all the things and and wrote it down here. I am sure I will miss 50% of what I thought but hopefully, it is a good start and you can see genuine effort. You can agree(by not changing it) /disagree/add/delete/etc, If we agree to executing a plan (does not have to be this), we will need to move it to a shared space, we can figure it out.

Goal: Get back to how we were 3 yrs ago before Rajasthan. That friendship was beautiful and had everything. How do we measure this? Using constructive feedback and listening properly:

G1. Bring the smiles back - are we arguing or are we laughing together bringing those insane eye-watering smiles back.

G2. Value add: are we motivating, inspiring, and making other feel good?

G3. Sharing: share our thoughts, be available where needed, and become a pillar of strength.

G3. Fear & Risk: are we able to overcome fear and not feel the risk?

G4: Treat each other as equals in the relationship

G4. Once we get to a better place, we can look at what 'sustainable' looks like.

G5. I want you to like me again :)

It starts with a WHY! It actually does, without a compelling reason why work on something and spend time and energy, right? And also need to write down why it is not needed as a counterargument.

Why: You can agree, disagree, add, etc to this. I feel I have downplayed your side as I did not want to assume.

W1. We matter a lot to each other! This is not an assumption I am making, I know this for sure by words, actions, thoughts, etc. There has not been a single instance where I have doubted it, I might have asked for it but never doubted it. If I do not matter to you, then do not read further. Just let me know, ashte. 

W2. We want to make a +ve difference in each other's lives: We care and want to show that and have the power to make +ve impact on the other.

W3. Happiness: You have this insane ability to make me happy. I do not want you to doubt this. Even the smallest of gestures from you makes me happy. If I compare all the arguments and heated conversations from 2024 to the one special week, the special week wins by a huge margin (I'm not discarding the horrible impact of the arguments or dismissing them, they need to go away). Like, I can do anything to have that special week again. And I think I make you happy when I am good to you. 

W4. Pain: I have created a lot of pain and have to remove it. It is not up to you to do that, I have created it and I have to clean up the mess. And I have to do it for myself, to be able to see my face in the mirror.

W5. Missing each other: I miss you like crazy like there is not a time of the day when I do not think about you and miss you. I know you miss me too.

W6. Reality rather than imagination: We both spend a lot of time thinking of the other. We can aswell put that time into making reality better than leaving it to the imagination.

W7: It is needed: I need this, I do not want to accept being like this with you, I want to make a difference. And I am not doing this coz everything else is settled (I know the reality of it), I am doing this coz you are a priority for me. Hope you feel I am a priority for you.

Why not: Actually, I do not have a reason not to do it, Ill jot down a couple from your perspective.

N1. Things will not change: I have not changed in the last 3 yrs, so there is no evidence that I will change and make it work. My argument - I think I can change when I put my mind to it and I have a lot invested here to make the change happen.

N2. Situation: I have always found a reason and will leave you hanging again. I do not have control over my situation. My argument - I have realized that my situation if for me to handle and I am up for it.

N3. Moved on/made peace: You have gone through a lot and do not want to repeat it. You have made peace with it and are in a better place. My argument - I cannot counter this but somewhere I feel (and hope) you have not moved and want me around. Why make peace with a horrible me, you deserve the good me.

Rules: we need rules and exceptions to be defined. I am writing down a few based on our conversations. 

1. No talk of some future someday: The issues are there today and have to be addressed today without talk about the future someday

2. Resect: this is not negotiable, respecting others is the most important

3. Showing care and apologizing genuinely

4. Slips: we are bound to have slips and repeat some hurtful behavior, especially me. We need to talk about it and not stop this action plan.

Plan: Make changes to the rules, whys, and exceptions but not to the goal.

1 Month pilot till end of Jan - to see if this is worth it and if I will genuinely show the change needed. If I don't, then we can talk about what next. 

2 Months of full execution assuming it is good enough time to identify change and make things better. It can happen before also

End of 3 months, review the situation and either transition to BAU or continue or come up with something. 

Measure: Take 10 mins every week to review the week as per the goals. Use 'I statements' to provide constructive feedback, it cant be argued, defended or used to hurt the other. We can ask for clarity to get better. But what the other felt has to be agreed and respected, period!

1. Did we make the other smile or did we hurt them? Can give examples of both.

2. Did we value add or the time was wasted?

3. Is the fear reduced or does it look more risky.

Actions: 

Mine is a way bigger list:

A1. Show respect - not negotiable

A2. Do not defend: do not discard anything shared, ask for clarity to understand better.

A3. Do not ping daily: I don't think this is helping and just makes it weird thanks to my expectations. I need to figure out what works.

A4: Do not contradict - clarify immediately and make it go away than giving different versions.

A5: build confidence and remove the fear

A6: face conflict head-on rather than avoid it. Like why avoid talking about K, let me start with it and get it out of the way it ut helps. 

Yours:

A7: Work with me, I know it is hard, ill try to make it easy, pls swapla change maadona.

A8. Ping me once in a while, I know you find it risky but you know when I am online on the grp etc. We can figure a way out until it feels non-risky

A9. Give feedback, I need it to change

General:

A10. Use "I statement" and share feelings rather than conclusions. I know you have tried in the past, can we do it again pls. 

A11. Do not assume: a lot of assumptions which has led to misunderstanding. Let us ask more questions and get clarity. 

That is all I can remember now, I will update if I find anything more. Hope you made it this far and did not give up at W1 or in between. I think Andy Dufresne's words fit in very well here.

-------------

Dear Red,
If you're reading this, you've gotten out. And if you've come this far, maybe you're
willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the town, don't you? I could use a good man to help me get my project on wheels. I'll keep an eye out for you and the chessboard ready.

Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing,
maybe the best of things, and no good
thing ever dies. I will be hoping that
this letter finds you, and finds you well.

Your friend

Andy

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This is not some BS hope for the future but for today, now, I have hopes for us my best friend and I will do anything to make it worth it :)

I hope to execute this plan with you and achieve the goals and many more things that come our way. 

With loads of bone-crushing hugs, yours, Rascal Ravi :)