Nothing else matters!

 Repair and fix things, that is all I want, genuinely, nothing else matters.

The amount of thinking I do on this, the time I spend and the sleep and peace I loose, huh. If only I could fix things and stop these thots!

So, I am going to do that, no other things need to be addressed, how I am hurt, how it makes me feel, what was told about me even if it was not right, nothing matters. All that can wait or even forgotten, it is ok.

So where do I start with? First with no conditions to change anything. No expectations from my end, to make things better for me, only goal is to repair and clear the air.

Forget hope, if there is no will to even engage, then no point dragging this, just delete and move on! If not, then here are unstructured words and some actions. 

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No Change - I did give a latest example on how I am changing and not being pushed around. And a bigger aspect of this change was that no one else was dragged on or consulted, it was managed within the 4 walls with no intervention form anyone else. Hopefully it will sustain and not 'ruin reputation' any further.

No Change where it matters - This is hopefully a start on that. Full focus on repair than breaking head on what was said and defending/explaining.

Root cause - focus on root cause, which means I need to understand why these thots arise and what was the root cause. For example, the 'use me in golf club' was less about the club events and more about the horrible bday plan suggestion. And without realizing it, kept on defending the club events and even when pointed out, continued to explain and divert it than understanding the actual issues and apologizing. I got there eventually but was too late. I am sorry again and will not be repeated.

This root cause is what matters. So, how to arrive at this? Asking might not help given my ignorance, sharing is hard given my defending, bringing it up in arguments hasnt helped given the blaming....so focused point to point conversation could be an option, dono if there are others.

So what should be the next one?

Seriousness about actions: Even though there are promises to act, nothing is seen and it looks the same. For example, talking about moving away from friends who spoke ill but not acting on it. The action is there, might not be fully implemented but started - like not a single conversation with the farthest one in over a month, not visited the family on one for months including not proactively calling/chatting with the same for a long time, most others are completely gone, only exceptions are grp conversations and 1 person in close contact. That 1 person in contact is mainly due to some critical issues and financial situations that needed support and will reduce with the relocation.

Another example is restraining from asking around and not poking into 'others' friendships no matter how many times the topic is brought up by others. Consciously decided no to influence anyone anymore.

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I know it is hard to believe given the history and yes, it might not yield into anything positive and could be waste of time. The questions is if this engagement is better or just continuing being bitter over what was said. Could it hurt more, nope, coz the idea is to repair and not kill, the moment it moves towards hurting, this initiative can be suspended!