RCA - memories

 This is the most important thing, the glue, the fun and the hope.

And it is so hard to think that it has been tainted coz in my souls, they are permanent. 

Like the one week in oct last yr, tht is mine forever and no one can take that away from me, not even me. I remember telling this back then, it is itched in my soul. 

There are many such amazing memories that keep me going. Obviously there are thoughts that bring up questions but the faith in them is so strong, nothing has impacted them. 

That is why I want them to be restored and have explained in the past.

Like the bike ride in Hrishikesh, it was just stupidity to even compare it. It was more like giving a lift to someone with complete distance and nothing more. I realise how horrible it was to compare it, even i feel like puking.

Like the golf club one where I have 0 memories about anything else and the entire focus was to make things good and make it special. Little did i know it was triggered from something else. It would have been addressed way before and the memories would have been intact. 

And the other ones. Not a single one had been removed with anyone else. Not coz it was not possible but coz it was so sacred tht it has been protected. Even when I lost my mind and literally got mindfucked, there were there and kept me sane. 

I know I should not compare, i know i should treat it with respect and care. And i will. 

But how do I restore them? If only i had the opportunity to talk about it and show what it means. But I'll try anyways. 

For instance, the first meet, the first look, the eyes, the kindness... That did not kill me, it brought me to life with tears of overheating love. 

The sitting silent looking into oblivion reminds me of how beautiful silence and is enjoyed in solace.

The playlist was part of my daily routine, so much so that listening up music feels heavy now and is almost died. I know it is not a good thing but such is the impact. 

The art was to share and without that, it has no place, no relevance.

The hand felt so safe that nothing else can replace it. It is only remembered with the kiddo and missed. 

They are so many, the long silence, the drive, the sing along, the bhukkad, the smiles, the hugs, the gifs, the thought out gifts, the presence 

I do not wish but I will restore them, they are too special to be gone, they are everything to fight for 

They are for life and yes, nothing else matters! 

RCA - protect one person over other

 This is another thing that I could not get my head around, it just did not make logical sense to me. 

First of all, let me break it into 2 separate things - protecting one person and not protecting the other.

Then, what does each of them mean?

Protecting one could mean that no matter what happens, I will protect them, hide their issues, take side, accept it without issues and mainly not confront. And yes, looking back I have done this in situations and my defense was that the reasons were different. Like not confronting when a basic promise of not talking to known ones was broken, My reasons were solid - it was almost a year ago and is not a issue anymore, the other person ensured nothing has changed/everything is ok, y disturb the current status and most importantly not to disturb the upcoming visit and make it bad. I just did not want anything to happen in the visit I was looking forward to. Thinking about it, I did not want to confront coz I feared the repercussions. This fear comes from the unknow reactions/escalation and disturbance it can caused to others. There is nothing to protect, if it was the case, I would have defended the person and not even agree any mistakes done.

Anyways, I felt reasons and intentions are important and could change the way things are seen but for someone who is hurt, reasons do not matter, it just feels like taking license to hut more. And being ignored and seeing repeated 'patterns' where protecting is seen. If i replace this 'protection' to 'fear', it will cover my reasons and my defense goes out of the way as the end result is the same.

Actions here is simple, face the fear as that is the only way to deal with things. In the process, make sure it does not impact others (like the visit or involved ppl) which was the root cause of fear. And this is possible, it was done later and the fear was overcome. The change is to think about facing the fear upfront than doing it as a last resort.

Not protecting the other is just not true. There are so many instances where that was done and was one of the main reasons for conflict. How could he be so protective of someone else and screw up our life!!!

But that is not the point here, the point is how it feels when the same things are repeated and there is no protection. Even things that were promised have been breached causing this mistrust. 

Things are changing where the line is drawn very clearly and what has to be kept out. There are concrete evidence to prove this but it is no where close to the ones against it. It will change as there is a very strong reason to change, not just to show that I am capable of it but also to stand up to things that matter to me, the non-negotiables.

It might be too little too late and there is always a fear that old ways will happen and not worth the risk. Hopefully the change is seen and builds confidence that it is hear to stay and gives the strength to give it a chance, small steps at a time. 

The question could be, y? why risk it when patterns have been different and trust is broken. It is required coz it makes life much more beautiful, gives peace to someone you care (and some better sleep :D) and rebuilds faith in the universe. And yes, nothing else matters!

RCA - Do not Matter!

 I do not know how to deal with this 'do not matter' comment. I cant even comprehend the thought given how important it is, how much i value the opinion (break my head all the time to change it) and how much I think about it.

And that is the main issue, I just forget the root cause and focus on this one statement 'do not matter' and forget why it was said in the first place. I have no idea what was the context, why it was felt, what should change, etc. I hear the words and I go on a spiral. No wonder it is so hard to convey the message, it is useless, hence 'do not matter'!

It is easy to blame on the words and ask not to use it. But given the situation and how it feels, emotions will flow, harsh words will be said! Yes, we definitely need to clear the air and settle the misunderstanding and help stop the spiraling, but that is for another topic.

So what about 'Do not matter'??? it is just not true, it is so away from truth that even the next galaxy feels nearer :) There are very few times I have wished it was true and be able to brush it away and sleep properly but I have shrugged that thought as it felt so fake and wrong. It matters the most!

Now that is our of the way, how do i make it feel like it matters? Like said before, understand what is causing it, get to the root, blah blah, etc.

But more importantly is to hold the reaction and listen no matter how hurtful it feels. Address the points raised, highlight logical flaws only after everything is heard, even give it a few days before responding, let it sink in, think all possible reasons, understand other perspectives, etc.

And the most important things is to avoid going back to old ways when things dont go according to expectations. This is the worst thing and I am the biggest culprit. Small sustainable growth is way better than these crazy to and fros. 

Isnt this what engaging is all about? Isnt this what healing looks like? Isnt this what friendship is all about?

So, what are the actions?

1. Make change sustainable. Be conscious of the normal pitfalls, avoid them, be vocal about it by declaring to the world and show progress and do not go back to the old shitty ways

2. Show what matters by actions and not words. How, need to figure out.

3. Listen, no matter how harsh it sounds, listen. There is no better contributions to friendship than listening.

This might be the biggest joke, me listening and understanding and not reacting, it is hard to even imagine be giving up the old ways as there is no evidence for it and it might be hard to give it a try given the hurt it has caused.

All I can say is that change is inevitable and it is worth it and I realise it. I will do everything to repair and heal, coz it does matter and nothing else matters!

RCA - Ruined Reputation

 Todays conversation might be a reflection of it or not, it could be related or a outcome of this thought process or unrelated, but this has effected you. Trying to be positive and brushing away what was highlighted was wrong given that I do not know the full extent of the impact and what were the discussions.

Listening and showing empathy without being overly positive has been a bad trait. Something I am trying to change but is hard given my general eagerness to talk. It also could boil down to having conversations about pain without having the need to fix it immediately. 

Everyone go through a different level of pain when encountered with situations, nothing is right or wrong. Ability to understand that and not brush away as small is key. 

I have been a hypocrite about this at times. I expect my pain to be understood but when it comes to others, I have brushed it off. And at times, I have understood others pain better and shown empathy while being critical about someone else discarding it. 

So, I do understand pain and I can related to it and empathize. So what is the problem? 

I think it is being out of my normal self, defending my actions and trying to show that I cant do anything wrong. It kills any critical thinking about myself and try to find reasons to normalize things which is outright dismissive (not comes across as dismissive). 

Something i am trying to work on and failing daily. I also realized that I work differently based on the tone of the conversation. If it is confronting I get defensive and if it is explaining i understand and empathize. But this again is a problem as it depends on the other person and goes back to blaming others. And what is the point of bringing it up if it gets dismissed. 

There are traits of change can be seen but it is a long way away. Like the recent conflict, I took the blame and agreed what i did was wrong and tried to understand the other point of view even though it was confronting. 

Actions:

1. Try to take it personal and listening as a genuine friend is important. It is not about me but about the person who is sharing

2. Accept responsibility or possibility of being the cause of the problem, even if it is not logical as there is a impact and put my point to challenge thought process without dismissing

3. Learn to agree to disagree with empathy

4. Stop reacting and not make it worse. I know I am doing it as it feels very hypocritic and expected more from them given how they are personally. But this is reactive and makes it personal and not serve the purpose. I am torn between the two. 

It is hard to hope for thigs change given how it has been in the past. I do not expect this to be discussed in detail, the line is very clear and I will respect it. 

I wanted to show I care and I am here to fix things and remind, nothing else matters!

Nothing else matters!

 Repair and fix things, that is all I want, genuinely, nothing else matters.

The amount of thinking I do on this, the time I spend and the sleep and peace I loose, huh. If only I could fix things and stop these thots!

So, I am going to do that, no other things need to be addressed, how I am hurt, how it makes me feel, what was told about me even if it was not right, nothing matters. All that can wait or even forgotten, it is ok.

So where do I start with? First with no conditions to change anything. No expectations from my end, to make things better for me, only goal is to repair and clear the air.

Forget hope, if there is no will to even engage, then no point dragging this, just delete and move on! If not, then here are unstructured words and some actions. 

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No Change - I did give a latest example on how I am changing and not being pushed around. And a bigger aspect of this change was that no one else was dragged on or consulted, it was managed within the 4 walls with no intervention form anyone else. Hopefully it will sustain and not 'ruin reputation' any further.

No Change where it matters - This is hopefully a start on that. Full focus on repair than breaking head on what was said and defending/explaining.

Root cause - focus on root cause, which means I need to understand why these thots arise and what was the root cause. For example, the 'use me in golf club' was less about the club events and more about the horrible bday plan suggestion. And without realizing it, kept on defending the club events and even when pointed out, continued to explain and divert it than understanding the actual issues and apologizing. I got there eventually but was too late. I am sorry again and will not be repeated.

This root cause is what matters. So, how to arrive at this? Asking might not help given my ignorance, sharing is hard given my defending, bringing it up in arguments hasnt helped given the blaming....so focused point to point conversation could be an option, dono if there are others.

So what should be the next one?

Seriousness about actions: Even though there are promises to act, nothing is seen and it looks the same. For example, talking about moving away from friends who spoke ill but not acting on it. The action is there, might not be fully implemented but started - like not a single conversation with the farthest one in over a month, not visited the family on one for months including not proactively calling/chatting with the same for a long time, most others are completely gone, only exceptions are grp conversations and 1 person in close contact. That 1 person in contact is mainly due to some critical issues and financial situations that needed support and will reduce with the relocation.

Another example is restraining from asking around and not poking into 'others' friendships no matter how many times the topic is brought up by others. Consciously decided no to influence anyone anymore.

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I know it is hard to believe given the history and yes, it might not yield into anything positive and could be waste of time. The questions is if this engagement is better or just continuing being bitter over what was said. Could it hurt more, nope, coz the idea is to repair and not kill, the moment it moves towards hurting, this initiative can be suspended!