Scared!

There are times in your life when you are so scared that you feel your heart will pop. And honestly, you would prefer it than go through that time. Last week was one such time when I felt it and it was scary.

I have been brave for the most part of my life and looked at everything as a challenge. So much so that I actually enjoy tough times as I feel I am at my best and my brain works better. But last week was different in many ways. First of all, it was my doing that got me in the situation, only me to blame it on. Next was that I had screwed it so bad that the trust in me was lost and the most important was that I could not influence the actions. I ended up forcing myself to influence the outcome without knowing if anything will work. And then wait, you know how hard it is for me. 

The crazy thoughts, the inability to function, the fear of breaking down, it was too much. My mind wandered all over the place it felt like I would puke just coz of the inner turmoil. 

But behind all that fear and craziness, there were two things. Sabr aur shurak! Yes, patience and gratitude.

The patience to sit and wait without letting my fears get to me. This was mainly due to faith that things would be good. There was care and that gave me belief. I knew deep inside that it will be fine. 

The next was gratitude. Even if things did not happen, deep inside I felt gratitude for going through this great experience of life and I would cherish it till my last breath. And it was not end anyways, it is meant to be and it will be good again.

But again, with all those positive things, it was still scary. Every min felt like I was losing something and i hated the fact that I could have stopped or at least shown signs of improvement. The fear consumed me with horrible thoughts and no hope for myself, like I would drop die any min and that would be it. 

 And out of nowhere, it happened :) The release of bad energy from my soul combined with the warmth around me just made me go weak, like slump with relief. I held on and was breathing so heavily, that even a marathon would not have that kind of effect on me. What followed next is something I can't explain, let me just say that I couldn't speak for long :D

At that moment it felt like I had another life and I will not let go of it :) 

I am a master of screwup and can forget the most important things in life. But I genuinely feel I have a guardian angel looking over me and guiding me through all the shit and find something meaningful. 

But behind all that is a decent bloke who cares and can be trusted. He is stubborn, headstrong, dumb (selectively) and scared, but, he has no ego, can change for the good and show that he cares. 

And yes, that is what he will do, use this life to get better and show that he is worth it :)