Gratitude!

My bday last week was one of the dullest for me. I just felt lost from morning and it continued throughout the day. I just wanted to be left alone and dint feel like talking to anyone. 

It showed me nothing I do is enough!

Overall not a day I would want to go back to, so much so that I want to kill my bday celebrations going forward. I am not kidding, I am seriously thinking about it!

But something happened that gave me hope, not just hope but showed me there is life. 

I was tired and trying to sleep and almost feeling dejected with everything. Kiddo was next to me watching TV and doing something that was very new. He put his hand gently on my head and just brushed my hair gently, like he dint want to wake me up. It was so gentle that it felt like an angel was doing it :) He did it a few times, he wanted to show me that love, I guess he saw me sad and wanted to comfort me. It was so unlike him, he is normally a bit rougher and does not like such gestures. 

I teared up and cried with relief and joy. I can close my eyes and go back to that feeling and it makes me well up. I have always believed that I am very lucky, there is someone who is looking after me even during the worst of times. I am blessed that way. And my biggest blessing is my son, my greatest hope and his gesture just made me want to live for him no matter what.

I decided to go to bed every day with this gratitude for life. No matter how hard things get, I have a lot to thank for and I will do it every day and wish the best for everyone. 

Gratitude, yes, gratitude is what I gifted myself and I think it is one of the best gifts I have ever received, all thanks to kiddo! 

Resolution 2025 and ever!

 It it that time of the year to come up with resolutions and then try to stick to them. Most resolutions are broken early in the year and mine were no different until 12 months back. I wanted to give up shopping, which I thought was tough for me as I used to go shopping a lot and I surprised myself with how well I stuck to it. It was so good in the first 10 months that I gave myself a couple of cheat days. Dot worry, it was not breaking the resolution, it had done its job of getting me out of shopping for stupid stuff and getting things that I actually need. 

There are many lined up for next yr, one I actually started from today given how I abused my body this weekend with unnecessary overeating :) But I am not here to talk about them, they will be discussed with close friends to keep me in check. The easiest way to keep up to a resolution is to discuss it in public and make it so known, that you will be reminded of them very often.

This resolution is very important, the top one to stick to. I am writing it down to remind me every time I'm here and stick to it.

Today, I was reminded of something stupid I am doing. Fighting to get back into my life, but the problem is that I am fighting with the one to whom I want to return. That is actually the stupidest thing to do. Fighting will just make it worse, why would anyone want to return to someone who always fights :) Goobe naanu!

So here is my resolution, I will not fight! not just that, I will show empathy and care, ill show love and try my best to listen and understand. And to make sure I am on track, I will take feedback every time, improve myself and be worthy of the time spent with me. 

This is probably the hardest resolution I have ever thought of but given how much I want it, I am motivated enough to do it. This is not a stupid dream which I am ok not coming true. I have multiple concrete reasons why I want it so bad and innumerable instances of bliss that I crave making it a no-brainer. 

Wish me the best to stick to this resolution and guide me when I slip :) 

Scared!

There are times in your life when you are so scared that you feel your heart will pop. And honestly, you would prefer it than go through that time. Last week was one such time when I felt it and it was scary.

I have been brave for the most part of my life and looked at everything as a challenge. So much so that I actually enjoy tough times as I feel I am at my best and my brain works better. But last week was different in many ways. First of all, it was my doing that got me in the situation, only me to blame it on. Next was that I had screwed it so bad that the trust in me was lost and the most important was that I could not influence the actions. I ended up forcing myself to influence the outcome without knowing if anything will work. And then wait, you know how hard it is for me. 

The crazy thoughts, the inability to function, the fear of breaking down, it was too much. My mind wandered all over the place it felt like I would puke just coz of the inner turmoil. 

But behind all that fear and craziness, there were two things. Sabr aur shurak! Yes, patience and gratitude.

The patience to sit and wait without letting my fears get to me. This was mainly due to faith that things would be good. There was care and that gave me belief. I knew deep inside that it will be fine. 

The next was gratitude. Even if things did not happen, deep inside I felt gratitude for going through this great experience of life and I would cherish it till my last breath. And it was not end anyways, it is meant to be and it will be good again.

But again, with all those positive things, it was still scary. Every min felt like I was losing something and i hated the fact that I could have stopped or at least shown signs of improvement. The fear consumed me with horrible thoughts and no hope for myself, like I would drop die any min and that would be it. 

 And out of nowhere, it happened :) The release of bad energy from my soul combined with the warmth around me just made me go weak, like slump with relief. I held on and was breathing so heavily, that even a marathon would not have that kind of effect on me. What followed next is something I can't explain, let me just say that I couldn't speak for long :D

At that moment it felt like I had another life and I will not let go of it :) 

I am a master of screwup and can forget the most important things in life. But I genuinely feel I have a guardian angel looking over me and guiding me through all the shit and find something meaningful. 

But behind all that is a decent bloke who cares and can be trusted. He is stubborn, headstrong, dumb (selectively) and scared, but, he has no ego, can change for the good and show that he cares. 

And yes, that is what he will do, use this life to get better and show that he is worth it :)