Life!

 I am fascinated by how human relationships work. TBH, until a few yrs back I treated almost everything the same and give it similar attention. Off late, I have tried to view them from a distance and see how they look and try to make some sense of it rather than just go with the flow.

There have been some amazing bonding and some disappointments also. Some have stayed strong and proved the test of time like my cousins or a few college friends (some have faded away without a trace in the same cousins/college friends). Some surprisingly new ones have been created, I am still gobsmacked by how my primary school friends have become besties now :) And some very good ones have just vanished like they never existed (which I feel bad about at times but such is life). Some have become stable and continue to flourish like immediate family. Some have become mere acquaintances which feels a bit blah! Some have inspired me like my mentors or role models. And few have changed the way I think and feel and made me a better person :)

But there is one relationship that has grown beyond imagination and that is with my son. A bond that started the day he was conceived has grown so much that he has become my LIFE. I never thought there could be something like unconditional love and realized that kids are probably the only ones. There are no expectations and you feel elated just by giving. 

At the start, my normal routine was to run my hand over my wife's tummy and feel his kicks. I have spent hours at night doing that and playing with him. The few hrs before he was just born was probably the most stressful I have ever been with the complications and stuff. He arrived in a completely filmy fashion with his heart racing at 150 bpm and a suction pump delivery and through a bad tear. Wifey when through the most difficult pain I have ever seen or can Imagine making him happen. My respect for wifey and women shot through the sky and has remained there. No man can even be as strong as a woman.

His first look and the feel of holding him were unimaginable. Thanks to the complicated birth, I had the responsibility of the kiddo to give wifey well-deserved rest. So I had to feed him his first bottle of milk and clean his first potty and give him his first bath. TBH, I have never enjoyed anything else like these so-called dirty jobs. 

I can still close my eyes and go back to the moment I gave his first bath, how tiny he was, how he looked at me, how I felt, and how he trusted me fully to surrender in my arms without any doubt, worry or question. 

Since then, all this became my responsibility while wifey took care of the entire house. And I enjoyed it thoroughly from messy feeding to cleaning to putting to bed. 

I never thought I could do any of it. As a background, I had never stepped inside the kitchen for the most part of my life. I would not even take a towel to the bathroom and used to shout for it later (just realized where the kiddo got this habit from, strong genes :D), never did dishes, never paid any bills, like a typical spoilt brat only child :D Most of it is still the same but things change only for him.

I remember taking this pic of him holding my finger which is probably my fav of all the pics I have. I felt complete. So much so that I posted the pic on FB and quit it forever, I did not need any social media anymore. 

One of my best memories is from the cold Liverpool winter days when I used to come back from the office, freshen up, have a quick bite, take my shirt off, and put the kiddo on my chest to relax. The warmth from him was unexplainable (imagine cold windy gloomy weather and feeling like summer inside) and I used to doze off. It actually made me feel safe which was so strange how can a 1-month old baby make an adult feel safe :) But such is the feeling. And fast-forward a decade and I know exactly why I feel safe. Even today when I am worried or feel uncertain, I just cuddle him and all my worries feel less. It makes me complete and gives me hope :)

The time I have spent on holidays with him has been super fun. Thanks to the early age of travel, he loves it and craves to travel. He likes living in hotels, exploring the facilities and the cities, crazy about the swimming pool and the flights :) I do not know of a kid who can get up at 2am, freshen up, and have breakfast to catch an early morning flight with so much enthusiasm :) 

I was so surprised and proud by the way he took up cycling. He started using a balance bike at when he was 18 months old and loved it (We still have that bike as a showpiece at home). He had used it so much that the bearings have worn out. His love for that bike was crazy, all I had to do was take away the bike to stop him from throwing tantrums :D (TBH, he doesn't do it much). We finally had to get him a proper bike when he was around 3 yrs old and I took him to teach cycling on the Liverpool docks. I held his shoulder for the first 20 mtrs and let him go. He got to cycling like a fish gets to the water. I have never seen anyone pick up cycling within 20 mtrs :D

There are many such incidents that make me feel special and in awe. The best part is that he is a normal kid with average marks, average at sports and other things. He gets along with all and is not fussy about most things. That is what makes it special about kids, they don't have to do anything different to be special. And trust me, I want him to be normal like that, nothing extraordinary, he is much cooler this way :D

Looking at how far he has come makes me joyful! I realize it is not just his birthday but mine too, as a new person, as a giver, as an unconditional carer, as a joyful provider, as a proud watcher, as a strict teacher, as a silly talker, as a father :)

There is a long way to go and I will grow with him. He is already showing traits of a teenager and will have a challenging time changing as per his needs. I absolutely enjoy holding his hands and giving him a massage. I dont know if a teenager will have that connection but I will try my best to be his friend :) I would love to relive my teenage days with him and probably encourage him to do things (especially the stupid ones) that I never got to do ;) The last decade has been brilliant and looking forward for the next decades to come and see him flourish :D

And no matter what, he will be my dearest, my inspiration, my strength, my life!!!

Illegal immigrant!!

 I was not aware that foreigners in India must have a valid passport all the time irrespective of having an oci or not. Kiddo's passport expired during peak covid and I did not realize it as we didn't travel anywhere. I managed to check it after 6 months and applied for one. As he lived in India without a passport, had to pay a fee of over 200$ to make it legal. The govt has some lenience until September 21 but anytime street that had a span of fine. Huh, ignorance isn't bliss in such things.

Nam deshadalli naave illegal immigrant aahhogthini antha kanasallu kandirlilla. This is how life can change, in 17 yrs I went from not having a passport as I was too patriotic and loved my home to different citizenship to having illegal immigration in my own country😄 such is life, kuch bhi ho sakta hai😉 

Thoughtless!!!

 I don't remember a time in my life when I did not have any thoughts in my head for more than a few seconds. There is always something churning and most times it is repetitive. Whether it is to do with family, work, kids, lucid dreams, or crazy thoughts, there is always something going on. Today this changed.

From the time I got on the plane, my mind was completely clear. I enjoyed looking at the scene outside and had this calming smile on my face. Like there was nothing else to bother me. The sea was clear, the muddy river left a trail of brown where it met the sea, and the fields were filled with patches of different green like it was a painting, ppl around me we in their zone and the horizon had few clouds, the sun was out. It just looked so fulfilling that I did not need an else.

For someone who is constantly thinking, this was a new experience. It was so different that I could not believe it. Even the kiddo came to my thoughts once. At one moment I actually tried to think about kiddo or recent activities and then it automatically stopped. I did not have to switch it off, it just happened. In the last few months, I have tried vainly to stop thoughts by just couldn't so much so that I have had multiple sleepless nights. So you can imagine how much I liked this.

So what was different today?? I tried something which was on my bucket list for 2 decades. When I was sitting in a typical Sightseeing office, I just saw this activity and said I'll do it without even thinking. I had not even thought of it while planning the vacation Like it was meant to be. Today morning I was picked up by the team and after 30 mins of waiting for others, I reached there, the process was fast, and the instructions were clear. I was literally harnessed by a cool trainer from Birmingham and was led to the plane. Yes, I was all set for my first skydive🙂

We met a group of Indian fun jumpers who fell in love with the sport and took it seriously. Since starting 18 months ago, they have done 90 dives. When we asked how it will be, he said -I can't explain how an orgasm feels to a virgin, so just go enjoy it and tell me how it was😉

Strangely to my surprise, I was not excited or anxious. There was this never-ending smile on my face of contempt and bliss all throughout. So much so that the video guy said, you look really happy and enjoying it, isn't it😄 the 20 mins to get to 13k feet was awesome filled with calm, silence, and looking at the pro divers communicating in sign language. They hardly spoke to us and just a pat once in a while to check if we were ok, probably letting everyone get into their zone.

Once we reached the altitude,  I was latched to the tandem diver and watched other fun jumpers dive into the open sky which was so cool. Another tandem diver was scared and somehow went along. When my turn came, I was still calm and happy living in the moment. I followed the instructions clearly.

When we got to the door, there was this slight scare but my smile kinda masks it well. With the right position, we jumped🙂

the next few seconds I don't remember much, too many things happened at the same time. The gushing wind filled my lungs, the noise, the fall, the adrenaline, the views, the instructions, the video..all happened in seconds and I just went with the flow or in this case, fall :)) looking at the pics and video I'm able to recollect few things. Once we reached 5k feet, the parachute was deployed and we suddenly hung up in Air. That was an incredible feeling of lightness and floating in the air like a bird. I just wanted to stay there forever and look at the world below. The feeling was unreal. The instructor made circling moves to stay in the right area which made me a bit dizzy. And we were well-positioned to land. He gave instructions to keep my legs up and let him land, which he did perfectly and missed a big puddle by a foot. I got up with a huge grin and hi-fied him for the fun and ended my jump😄

All throughout there were no thoughts just blank bliss. It felt complete in a strange way. Probably this is what is called peace, forgetting everything and living in the moment enjoying everything around you. Not once I was scared for life, and not once did I think of anything, I was just flying🙂

I am definitely going to do it again and if things go well, get trained for fun jumps on my own. That will be something to look forward to. For now, I'm happy and at peace ✌️

PS: I didn't realize till yday evening that I don't have shoes for the jump as I traveled in my crocs. After roaming for 2hrs I found the only shoe that fit me which was cheap and horrible. Kinda a knockoff of an Adidas knockoff. But it did the job perfectly like everyone else did to make it a great experience 👼

Friendship Day!!!

 Friendship day has been big since I was in school. It was a day to mark your best friends and how famous you were. I still remember there were so-called friendship bands that kids used to exchange. The ones who couldn't afford it would create them using the wool and use it. Kids used to like to flaunt these bands and the more you had the more famous you were.

I on the other hand hated this concept. I could not come to terms with having a particular day for anything. Like Mother's Day, how can you have just one day for someone who has put in so much effort for you to be what you are? Every day has to be celebrated. How can you celebrate these special relationships just for one day when it impacts you for years. It is for every day, isnt it? And also not having stupid money to splurge on useless stuff and the laziness to be artistic/creative could have influenced this thinking :) I have always been that odd one out who hates these specific dates, birthdays were a small exception, but not by far (hated going overboard with these celebrations). 

Over the years most of these thoughts have stayed and most of these days are ignored :) So, why am I writing about it??? This year something happened around Friendship Day/week which actually made me think this is how it should be if we have to celebrate it. 

The week just after friendship day I met most of my close friends multiple times. Obviously, it was nothing to do with celebrating but it was fate I guess, it had to be that week. There were a few of us who just wanted to catch up for coffee and say goodbyes to the ones living far off. 5 friends who had so many things going on in their life but came together to spend some time together. It started with some chitchat with leg pulling, cheeky comments thrown at each other and loads of laughter. We were so loud, we had to move to the balcony seating to avoid disturbing the serious remote working community indoors. And also change seat couple of times to fit in us 5. Some ridiculous conversations that I do not remember made us laugh like mad. Thanks to this we decide to continue to a pub for a few drinks. 

The atmosphere was great and the conversations were awesome. Normally when you meet people from a bigger gang, most times you end up talking about the rest of the people who could not be around, and the usual group dynamics, gossip follows. But this day was different. I do not recollect talking about anyone else or even ourselves. It was some old memories, funny stories, weird imagination, creativity, and fun :) I was so engrossed I hardly remember what we spoke. Im sure others remember more than I do (I have never been good at remembering things, probably good at living the moment).

After spending a couple of hrs with drinks, food, and laughter, we decided to leave with joy-filled hearts. But the cosmos had one last surprise for us. As we were getting down the stairs, we heard some live music. It sounded cool and we walked in a small restaurant with a guy singing with his guitar and one keyboardist in the background. I cant explain how good the next 30 mins were. He sang most of the songs we had heard and the vibe of the place was awesome. All were singing along and the place was lit up. But us 5 were in a different world I felt. 

One was moving to a different country after a long time and planning to settle there for a few years with family. Huge move after having everything here :)

One was going through baggage of self-image and emotional turmoil

One was going through a major change at work and how the career might impact it

One was going through some business issues thanks to the pandemic

And one was going through the toughest times of their life with dear ones not well and had to manage the entire situation alone.

Despite all this, we sang on top of our voices, we huddled and floated away. I had no thoughts, no past no future no present, just filled with content :) I guess we all had a similar feeling of content and could let go of our thoughts for a while and just enjoy. And just having friends around to live that moment was special. 

The pictures do justice to what it was on the day but I do not need them to go back there. I can close my eyes and float back to the scene and relive it. Sometimes when you are going through a rough patch, the universe plans something to make you feel better and most other times, it sends you friends to do the job :D And that is what happened on that day. 

This is what friends mean to me, a support structure, a cushion, a beating stick, a crying shoulder, an open book without needing to read/talk, a fun energizer, a listener, a teller, a life changer :D. That day helped me a lot in terms of reassurance and belief, and more than anything else, having fun :) I am sure it must have helped others to get some positivity in difficult situations (I could see it on their faces, it was great to witness that).

As I said, I do not believe in Friendship Day but if you want to celebrate, it should be like this. Nothing planned, total impromptu (Im sure none of us knew it was friendship week), and random. It gives hope that any day could be like this, blissful :) 

So cheers to Friendship Days, get those bands out and start sharing/caring!!!

Hoʻoponopono

 Hoʻoponopono is not some crazy shouting that I can do. It is a tried and tested method to deal with situations and your head. 

I was doing some reading about guilt and the stress it creates. The inability to deal with it causes immense pain. Guilt is something that can take over your thoughts and make you feel low. It is a toxin that drains the life out of us and makes us do stupid things. Some bad decision or known choices creates regret which left for long can make it toxic. It is normally brushed under the carpet, not allowing us to acknowledge that we did it and made those mistakes.

Recently I have had multiple thoughts of guilt, whether it is a work situation or personal. Like, am I doing a good job or whiling my time away, am I helping out with the household work, am I being a good father, am I a trustworthy friend, am I a good human being who cares about others, etc (I know it is too deep for me). Just the lack of focus and commitment to things has made me stressed for weeks. I end up overthinking and waste further time than taking corrective actions. 

I have realized that it can be reduced by acceptance. Yes, I did that and I probably will do that again. Or I might never do it again! It is not easy to bare yourself especially when you have certain ways of thinking, but if you can't be true to yourself, you are in big trouble. Trying to process one thing at a time and coming up with possible options to improve the situation helps. Finding someone who you trust and can discuss could be of immense help. Dealing with it will not fix it overnight but you will feel less stressed about it.

I recently came across Hoʻoponopono (it all starts inside) which is a Hawaiian practice. I would definitely suggest reading about it as it helps develop acceptance and also work on making things better.

We all have certain incompletions in life where we are fearful, not apologizing, not grateful, not expressing love, etc. These simple steps could help deal with it.

Step 1: Repentance – I’M SORRY

This tradition holds that you are responsible for everything in your mind, even if it seems to be “out there.” Once you realize that, it’s very natural to feel sorry. …This realization can be painful, and you will likely resist accepting responsibility for the “out there” kind of problems until you start to practice this method on your more obvious “in here” problems and see results.

So you could choose something that you already know you’ve caused for yourself: Over-weight? Addicted to nicotine, alcohol or some other substance? Do you have anger issues? Health problems? Start there and say you’re sorry. That’s the whole step: I’M SORRY. Underneath you are saying, “I realize that I am responsible for the (issue) in my life and I feel terrible remorse that something in my consciousness has caused this.”

Step 2: Ask Forgiveness – PLEASE FORGIVE ME

Don’t worry about who you’re asking. Just ask! PLEASE FORGIVE ME. Say it over and over. Mean it. Remember your remorse from step 1 as you ask to be forgiven.

Step 3: Gratitude – THANK YOU

Say “THANK YOU” – again it doesn’t really matter who or what you’re thanking. Thank your body for all it does for you. Thank yourself for being the best you can be. Thank God. Thank the Universe. Thank whatever it was that just forgave you. Just keep saying THANK YOU.

Step 4: Love – I LOVE YOU

This can also be step 1. Say I LOVE YOU. Say it to your body, say it to God. Say I LOVE YOU to the air you breathe, to the house that shelters you. Say I LOVE YOU to your challenges. Say it over and over. Mean it. Feel it. There is nothing as powerful as Love.
Cheers to dealing with guilt and stress. Our head deserves good memories and be happy than stress!!!

 "There is no path to happiness; happiness is the path." - Buddha

Identity!!!

 I was reading atomic habits yesterday and the thought process of Identity and how it influences habits and other things in you life struck me hard.

Just as a background, who ever knows me would have definitely heard about me talking shit about myself. It is like self-deprecation at the highest level. TBH, I am quite confident about myself and do not care much about it and it is funny. When i put myself down, it is easy to tease people and pull their leg without making them feel bad 😂 So much so, I must have told a million times on how bad a son I am (my parents still take care of me), how useless I am as a friend, how hopeless I am as a husband, and so on. What I did not realize was that talking about this is making me believe in it at times and making me that person. It impacts my self-image and my efforts to improve them as I have already set the expectations very low.

Many of my close ones kept telling me not to do that but I wouldn't listen. Like whenever someone mentions raja beta or pampered brat, I put my hand up. when there is a discussion about being useless, I add myself up there, when someone talks about careless/emotionless, im the epitome of it. Now I realize why they were behind me to stop it. You end up relating to it more and become that at times.

So here is what I want to be identified as:

1. A very good son, TBH I am one. I have done everything to make my parents proud and have been for them every time they need me. So much so that everyone was surprised with the dedication I had when dad was hospitalized for 2 months, I did not miss a single day of counseling and spent almost every awake hour with him. Needless to say, they have done more for me but this is not a competition.

2. A caring, trustworthy friend. Trus me I am, even though i come across as careless, always teasing, I have always been there for my friends (extended family included). I have done things like visiting friends' house to get it cleaned so when they return from onsite, they will find the place habitable, visited their parents to check on them, sat hours next to them during tough times even though I could not console them, thought of them when not around, the list is endless. It hurts me when I cant help them out and end up thinking about it endlessly.  All this has manifested in probably having the best of friends. I can close my eyes and choose anyone from my friends and trust them with my son, everyone is awesome. 

3. A responsible father, I have been at times harsh to the kid but I have been very close to him. We do talk about stupid things and he is my life savior, my biggest hope. 

4. I'm a decent husband, I do not do a lot of things at home but I do help with a few things like our kid or just being around. I care and be patient (most times) and always apologize first, with no egos.

5. I'm a good leader and a mentor, I take pride in my team and I will do everything to get them the credit they deserve. I am harsh with compliments as I cannot do false praise but to the ones who deserve it, they get it. I am sure people who have worked with me have enjoyed it and look up to me. There is a long way to go but definitely on the right path.

6. I am emotional, I do not show it but I care for people way more than what is seen outside. I am funny and try to lighten up even the worst of situations as I care for people and not just make fun.

7. A good human being. I am humble, kind, and care for things around me. I genuinely believe in all faiths and do not judge people based on their race/caste/gender/creed/etc. I do not assume things and go with what people want to portray and always give the benefit of the doubt. I am an environmentalist and do my small bits to improve. 

I had built a lot of self-doubt in the last few months but thanks to the loved ones around, it has now reduced and I feel I am back. Almost all of the above looks like self-praise but for me, it is writing down what I think and truly identify myself as. If someone does not agree with the above, I do not mind talking about and working on it. But yes, this is me, this is what I am I believe, and will continue to work on 👌

Void

  Just feels like a void after a crazy week of excitement, fun, peace, happiness, and bliss!!! Like there is only a vacuum left with numbness!

Need to take some deep breaths and get on with things. I would go through all this for the week though, totally worth it ☺

Update: What you feel is what happens, seriously it is a thing. While I was feeling the void all day, I watched the last episode of Panchayat season 2. And what an ending it was, just left me with complete sadness and almost tears. The end song said it all, exactly the feeling I had. 

“What you think, you become.
What you feel, you attract.
What you imagine, you create.”

― Buddha

Khali khali sa hai: Panchayat season 2

Patjhad kyu le aaye
Man Ka lamhaa yeh
Rookhi daali sa hai
Khali khali sa hai

Ummeedon pe yeh jhooti
Khi ki choori ruthi
Kuch aisa hi haal vo teri gud ki pyaali ka hai..
Khali khali sa hai

Saath toh hai sab lekin
phir bhi hai sune se re
Saham se jaate hai ab hawa ke chune se re
Bhar aata hai...
Bhar aata hai gala lekin boond aakohn se na gire
Jale Jiyera raat jaise kaali sa hai

Khali khali sa hai
Khali khali sa hai
Khali khali sa hai
Khali khali sa hai

PS: Im sure the same works for joy also. Time to work on that!!!

Eureka!!!

  ok, have you ever had a brilliant eureka moment and immediately realized how stupid you were all this while? It was right in front but you just didn't see it??? I had this stupid realization yesterday about my feelings and thoughts!!!

I would like to give you an example of how bad I am at identifying things in front of me. Most of us cousins used to be in Mysore for school vacation and had a blast playing, roaming, and eating for 2 months of summer holidays. We used to spend a lot of time with our neighbors, Prof GK from Marimallapas (you can imagine the stature of one of the best lecturers in the best-ranked college in Karnataka, we dearly call him uncle), aunty, and their 2 kids P & V who were our best friends. Uncle was super cool and used to participate in some of the games when he had free time (i would definitely write about him separately, he is an inspiration). One of the most played games was kavade (small sea shells which are used as dice) and we have to roll it to get a perfect 21 to win (start counting when you roll 4/8 and then add up the next till you get 21. If more, you lose and try again in your next turn). Whoever is last (did not get perfect 21) has to do a task, most times kai masiyodu (where you rub hands in front of the winners and they get to hit your hand. If you escape the blow thrice, the game ends). Sometimes, it was bacchidodu, so basically you hide the kavade in the room and the loser finds it no matter how long it takes. If you give up you have to start from scratch or switch to kai masiyodu which is brutal thanks to the beating up.

Once I lost and we were playing the hiding version of it. So 4 kavade's were hidden in the room and I had to find them. I think I found 2 very quickly (one was in the screen cloth on the door and the other was stuck under the teapoy leg..see I remember it so well even after 30 yrs kind). I found another in the music cassette box after searching for almost 30 mins. There was 1 left to find and the game would end. I searched every corner of the room but just couldn't get it. I went through each sofa pillow, cover, table, chair, everyone's pockets, screens, cassettes, tape recorder battery area, literally every corner but just couldn't find it. My cousins and friends were laughing at my plight but wouldn't give away. I went through the same stuff again and again like a madcap. It was lunchtime and everyone headed for a break but I would not give up. I searched for 3 hrs straight but just couldn't find it. I was so adamant that I dint want to give up. But I had no other choice as others were getting frustrated with the lost time. So after 4 hrs I just gave up and asked them where it was. 

That is when my cousin showed it and I felt super stupid. He had pressed the play button of the tape-recorded and managed to put the kavade in the slot in such a way that it wouldn't fall when you rattle it. It was right in front and I must have checked the tape recorded inside out at least 10 times. Not once I thought it could be on the buttons and whiled away for 4 hrs. To add to the pain, I got whacked properly in the kai masiyodu. 😆

In another famous incident (almost everyone knows), I did not see my best friends dating each other even though I was present at almost all events. I do not want to repeat that story and feel stupid 😂

Sometimes it is so easy to ignore things that are right in front of you as you assume it can't be that simple. And you also blind yourself even when it is evident. Your thoughts, dreams, etc cloud you so much that you don't even want to explore all options practically. I have been stuck in a similar parallel universe where I did not see what was in front of me and build an entire story in my head. Yesterday when I was lost in thoughts, I just wanted to explore what could happen. That is when the reality struck me and I was like, how dumb are you dickhead 🙆

Now that I think I have realized what it could be (still not sure, I like to talk and confirm than assume), just need to comprehend and work on the feelings. But yes, it was a stupid eureka moment!!!

- Time late July

Being honest to myself!!!

I am feeling very drained off late and have thought so many times to make changes to get back to my previous self. Yes, I am saying the rascal was far better than this sulking energyless idiot!!!

But, man I have disappointed myself time and again. Plans to play baddy daily - no start, plan to go cycling with kiddo - no start, plan to swim - no start, took cult online membership for yoga/exercise - not used once, plan to take care of my biggest regret of music - no progress...I have disappointed myself so much that I do not take myself seriously. Imagine if I am doing this to myself, how many plans I must have not executed at work and in other's life. No wonder I get a feeling that everyone is disappointed with me. I can definitely see it in my boss's face and immediate family. 

The best thing was that I always used to come good on promises. I still am the only one who arrives on time for a meeting knowing that most others will be late. Not because I am naive, but because I like to be on time and I respect others' time. I have always been there for people and made extra effort to stay in touch. 

Being honest to myself is something I have not been great at and it is getting worse day by day. Time to change it and if I cant, at least be honest to myself and not live a lie!!!

One day at a time!!!

Everyone has heard about living life one day at a time and I am sure many have tried it also. TBH, I have been trying it for a long and I am nowhere close to it. 

Certain emotions and situations take very long to change, especially when you have nothing else to fall back on. My usual go-to option was ignorance but off late I have made a conscious decision to no ignore my thoughts and let them take their own course over time. Grief or should I say unhappiness is something that finds its way back even if you are in the best of situations. All it takes is a small trigger to go through all the emotions and feel beaten up. And if your loved ones are going through the same, it rubs on you. It just feels like an emotional rollercoaster in an endless loop.

It is not all doom and gloom though. There are happy moments that come by in between but are normally ignored in the grand scheme of unhappiness. All I can say is to fully enjoy and hold on to it as long as it lasts. It helps shrug off some cobwebs and bring in some energy. If possible, try to share it with your others, you never know it could be the ray of hope they were looking for. 

So after a few bad days of cluelessness (the feeling of drifting away with no meaning to life) and too much work, today morning felt good. I wasn't in a hurry and so far have been calm with a small smile on my face. I don't know what caused it and I won't break my head thinking of it. I will enjoy this bliss until it lasts and hope it gives me the strength for the busy few weeks.

One day at a time might be difficult, but we can definitely relish one moment at a time 💓

dono the exact date, must be early June :D

Prespective!

Thanks to recent events I have been cut off from many things and trying to get my head sorted on what I want. While this is happening, I have seen some dear ones being very frustrated and angry about the way I am handling things. I just could not understand why, all I am doing is taking time to sort things out. 

What I did not realize is how frustrating it is to wait for some communication and feedback. They must have gone mad sitting there waiting for me to tell them how things are going on, am I doing well, or do I need help? The worst is me being normal most times roaming around, traveling, partying which makes people think I'm completely fine and they are forgotten.

I wish I could say what I am thinking and how I feel to the world without fearing a backlash or being judged. One thing I have realized is the importance I give to the good boy image I have always maintained, not sure for what reason and I don't know how to get out of it. The best thing is most of them know how I am and don't care about the pretense. Somehow I have to break out of it. 

The truth will set you free. But first will piss you off!

Not being able to think from other perspectives has been a flaw that is making things worse. Have to work it out, probably being honest will help. Instead of defending my actions, I have to think from another perspective and correct my actions. Easier said than done!! Until then, I would say to my loved ones to hang in there 😬

Shraddha Aur Saburi!!

Thanks to some of the events this week, I have had this feeling of drifting away and not having control of the situation. Yesterday being Thursday I had a thought about, Sai Baba's 2 pillars, "Shraddha Aur Suburi". Faith and Patience, something I have believed a lot and have been tested the most in recent times. Having faith/belief in something/someone is important and having the patience to give it time is even more relevant. There are many times, we lose patience and give up on things irrespective of the faith we have. This reminds me of a situation decades ago with my best friends. 

We were so close back then, we were inseparable (me, him & her). Spent almost the entire day together in the office and outside. So much so that we knew everyone and everything in each other's life. Or that is what I thought. Soon there were rumors that the other two were dating and I was asked about it. Me being the closest friend had not seen any difference between them in the last year and denied any rumors. So much so that I tried to stop people talking shit about them but in vain. After a few months, it became even more with almost all convinced they were together. I still dint believe it as I was always around almost like a parasite, we saw all movies together, had all meals together, went on trips together, etc. Soon I started to have doubts, I thought why would everyone say it (even some close friends), got to be some fire behind the smoke. I somehow got the courage to tell him about these rumors. The next day both took me out and told me they were together. They were super excited and in the corner of their eye, I could see some hesitation. On the day, I was elated, absolutely chuffed that my best friends are together. I could see how relieved they were. To keep a memory of this day, we took one of those printed pencil sketched portrait which I still have with me. 

But soon after this, I started feeling very anxious thinking why did I not know about it. Why was I living in denial and why did they not tell me, how can I be so clueless? The more I thought, the more horrible I felt. I had become the laughing stock of the office. The dumb friend who could see his best friends dating. I had been tagged the official KMH (kabab mein haddi) who was in between the 2 love birds. More than anything else, I got a feeling of being betrayed. They were going out and many of our common friends were fully aware for months, they had gone on double dates, etc and I had no clue. Why did they not trust me, what was wrong with me? Is it because I was single, or I talked a lot and might blurt it out in the wrong forum? What was I, a distraction/clown/pawn for them to date in secret? Was I wrong in not assuming things and waiting for them to tell? How could I be so stupid? Can I trust anyone after this? The whole thought killed me and with this newfound information of them dating, I did not know what to do. Should I hang around like before or like what others said, should I give them their 'space'? One thing I did not give up on is my faith in them, I trusted them with me life any day, but yes, patience was running out. I decided to give space and tried to avoid going out. I had enough gangs to travel and started to be away and might have faded away. Him being him (one person who knew me better than I myself did) caught me within weeks and blasted me. "This is the exact reason we dint tell you, we did not want you to change and treat us differently. You were there all the time and we want it to be the same. You are more than family to us, we 3 are the best friends and nothing will change it. Knowing you, you will run away if you think you don't belong which we feared. You were there all thought out, the day when we confessed to having a crush, you dumbass just took it as a conversation, we laughed our ass off thinking how innocent you were. You were sleeping on my shoulder when we proposed to each other, you were there on our first date, you were with us almost all the time. We want you to be around in the same way, forever". I was so overwhelmed with this, I did not know how to react. All my bad thoughts just vanished and I also felt ashamed for judging without knowing why they did it. Gave him a big hug and we three went out for dinner like every other day. Since then, I have wore that tag of KMH with pride. So much so, I claimed her to be the KMH between us two guys 😂 I was the best man and the bride's mate in their hindu wedding, I was treated like a family on both sides, the closest one who ran around like mad to make sure the wedding was fun. We continue to be great friends and are just a call away. I spend time with them whenever I travel to UK no matter how busy my schedule is. When I meet a common friend, the first thing they ask is how them two are doing and then come to my family and kids. I take pride in that. Thinking about it, what would have happened if I had lost faith and drifted away? What if I had assumed things and started to build a hatred? What if he did not see me drift away and not explained? Life would have continued but I would have lost my best friends forever and probably lived with the regret of not knowing them properly. I just thank my faith which did not give up! 

 It is very easy to assume, especially when there is no communication, you see it only from your point of view and as time passes it gets worse. The benefit of the doubt is gone and only the worst thoughts remain. It is not easy to trust, especially when you do not get the full truth from your loved ones. It hurts more as you thought you knew them well and there could be another side to them. The feeling of betrayal creeps in and soon turns to hurt. How can they be so disconnected, how can they do this to me, lie, hideaway, runaway, etc. You start doubting if they were ever true and could have been pretending all this while (were they true anytime, was I taken on a ride?). Somehow I have had this blind faith in people and not try to read too much. My simple thinking is if I can leave my son with them to take care, I am trusting them with the most important person in my life. I have faith in them and hope that they will come around. If they don't, it is ok, they have their reasons. But all are not the same, everyone has gone through different things and sees people differently. Some might think it is just not worth their thought. It is not fair enough, nothing is reciprocated and you are left to think 'what did I do wrong? I was there all the time and this is what I get, a lie and be used to be discarded at will'. They should either be there or not, why pretend. I think it is ok to call them out as foul, selfish assholes (for not being around, for not telling the truth, for betraying, being used) and move on. It is better than being hurt and hate daily. You deserve something better and can't keep waiting forever!!! But somewhere if you have some good thought left for them, see if you can harness it, keep that faith with patience. Try not to build the hate and come to conclusions. Ignore if needed than feel hurt. You never know, there is a reason behind it (which is not visible in their fun life where you dont seem to be important) and they might come around. You could be a KMH in someone's life and feel proud about it. As baba said, Shraddha Aur Saburi!!