Southpaw!

 If you are wondering what this was and why was it blank, let me put you out of your misery. 

I watched this movie couple of weeks ago. I like sports dramas and this was right up my alley with boxing, fallen hero who raises up. He goes from a cocky arrogant selfish world champ to loosing everything, his title, license to fight, all the money and the worst, his love of his life and his only hope, his daughter.

I felt bad when he was stripped off his life, i could relate with some of the things, specially his anger and frustration. 

He then decides to rebuild everything, goes to a small boxing coach and finds work as cleaning the gym including the toilets. But the most difficult was to win back his daughter, his only hope to live. 

She is furious at him for what he did, blames him for losing her mother and wishes he had died instead of her mom. She wants to get out of social security home and be with him but the court wont allow. She avoids her for what he did and yells and screams at him. And all he can do is be patient with her and take her beating. It was not that she did not understand her dads situation but her pain was so much and she could not do much to remove it, only her dad could make it better. And this frustration of him doing nothing different came out as anger and silence.

With everyone else he could fight, react, etc, but not with her, it was such a good way of showing what she meant to him. She avoids him, does not show her face for weeks, shouts, insults, hugs, cries, fights. The patience and care he shows was so touching. To keep everything he was going thru aside and fight his inner self to get better for her was heartwarming. 

That is when i realised what I have to do. It does not matter if I am right or wrong, my reasons, my thoughts, my situation. What matters was what i made you feel and how it hurt you. And me bringing up my pain is useless, it does not reduce yours, it just makes you think I am selfish and dont care about your pain, your issues. 

I have always cared and loved, there is no doubt about it. But i have defended hopelessly, said things that felt like blaming, not listened and dismissed. I understand how that must have felt and why you are the way you are. 

I had to change the things i was doing and show the care the way it makes sense to you. And if there are things that are incorrect, keep silence, hear you out and if needed, provide a explanation. 

Does that mean I am a changed person in 1-2days? no, im still the same. But yes, my behavior has changed, I have understood how to care without conditions. What i dono is how it will work out without explanation (aka defending) but i can give up on that until we get to a stage where explaining can be done without blaming. 

Again, this might not be a good way of dealing with things and you might fear ill go back to my old ways. One thing i can assure is the importance of you in my life. 

- I have stopped writing, like everywhere including journals as i cant share them with you.

- I cant touch the guitar even to try as i dont (and do not want to) know how to play for anyone else, including myself.

- Stopped sketching coz the only person i wanted to share is no longer around

- Stopped seeing the beautiful nature as i noticed it to share with you. I cant avoid it completely, hence the pics i share

Everything I liked, the good changes in me were related to you and I dont feel like doing it without you around. It was not to impress you but my way of sharing with my soul.

You might see the above like some false promise or blabbering that will go away. You might have thought that I will move on, it has been over 6 months now. But I cant, I will be here as this is where i belong, 6 months is long enough for you to see that.

All I am asking is for you to consider talking and see if there are changes. It might not be visible upfront (you might see the same patterns, same ways of asking you to share, cozxing you to talk, getting annoyed, etc), but if you give a few mins, a few tries, you will notice the difference.

I am a good human being, a good friend and a fun person to be around. I do feel I am worth it to take a chance. 

Take Care!