Me and oxymoron...ok, ill admit I am a big one. I keep shifting thoughts and here is one again. I said the below about stopping coz i genuinely cant do it on my own and I need you around. There are other things also but this is very exclusive to you.
- I have stopped writing, like everywhere including journals as i cant share them with you.
- I cant touch the guitar even to try as i dont (and do not want to) know how to play for anyone else, including myself.
- Stopped sketching coz the only person i wanted to share is no longer around
- Stopped seeing the beautiful nature as i noticed it to share with you. I cant avoid it completely, hence the pics i share
But I also genuinely feel you are not gone. I know you are not talking (you do not know how to talk to me and what works), but there is no ways you are gone-gone and moved on and do not want me around. This feeling has never changed and I do not think it will change no matter how many times you tell me this. You call it ignorance, confidence, instinct, or pure stupidity, I still feel you are around.
So, if i feel you are still around and interested in my life, then stopping these things inspired by you does not make sense. These are good things and should be nurtured. And not doing it is making me feel even more horrible, like my life is wasted :( I have got to a stage of hopeless disaster living!
This is exactly why I feel like a oxymoron :)
With this in mind, I am trying to start writing again. I do not know if you will respond or even read it, but I want to trust my instinct. Hope you will see and enjoy it (and share) as they are yours as much as they are mine (not some bs dialogue, I mean it)!
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