Love vs Attachment!

Love gives you peace, attachment gives you anxiety!

If you love someone, their thought should make you peaceful, make u feel better and help you live with a smile on your face.

If it is attachment, it makes you overthink, jealous, constantly checking, ask for validation, angry, stress,  frustration, crying, etc.

These are not my findings, I heard about this and could relate to it. Even though i feel the peace and feel better with thoughts, I do get anxious and annoyed.

I guess I am going towards unrealistic attachment which is not helping. Actually it is making it worst by creating more distance. I have become repulsive and not attracting, not worthy the energy. And when any conversation happens, it is hurtful and disheartening.

It is time I acknowledge this issue and move towards love. Let go of the crazy attachment style, and focus on the peace and feel the energy it bring to my soul and hopefully send that energy your way!

How I will do it? how will it come across? I have a vague idea, as I said, the feeling of peace is there and I know how to reach there. I will have to reduce the annoying part (restrain myself, wait for response, keep long term bs aside and focus on today), increase the +ve energy and make it the major feeling. I am sure it will be a hit and miss, but will try my best to get to a place of love & peace.

Wish me luck and keep an eye out for it :) 

I am setting 1st May for this as it takes 3 weeks to create a habit, I want a couple of week extra, I might derail in between (what's the fun in doing everything right :D). 

We don't save ourself, we save each other!

Watched this simple movie 'The Beautiful Game' on World Cup for Homeless People where people came together to show hope to the completely lost, broken part of our society, the hopeless (junkies, addicts, broke, etc) homeless people. The thought 'We don't save ourself, we save each other!' was interesting given that I am struggling to figure out things on my own and save myself in the process of learning.

I strongly feel it is better to work with someone to make things right than do it yourself. You never know when you are done and if it is good enough. You end up hating yourself for most days and fall back to old habits as there is no one to govern you and become a mess. Your thoughts take over the time and energy and there is nothing left for actions.

But what do you do when you do not have anyone or the ones you need, there is no other choice but to do things on your own, learn, fail, break down, cry, pick up the pieces, try again, fail again...go through the journey until you succeed or you continue trying :)

Oxymoron ....again!

 Me and oxymoron...ok, ill admit I am a big one. I keep shifting thoughts and here is one again. I said the below about stopping coz i genuinely cant do it on my own and I need you around. There are other things also but this is very exclusive to you.

- I have stopped writing, like everywhere including journals as i cant share them with you.

- I cant touch the guitar even to try as i dont (and do not want to) know how to play for anyone else, including myself.

- Stopped sketching coz the only person i wanted to share is no longer around

- Stopped seeing the beautiful nature as i noticed it to share with you. I cant avoid it completely, hence the pics i share

But I also genuinely feel you are not gone. I know you are not talking (you do not know how to talk to me and what works), but there is no ways you are gone-gone and moved on and do not want me around. This feeling has never changed and I do not think it will change no matter how many times you tell me this. You call it ignorance, confidence, instinct, or pure stupidity, I still feel you are around.

So, if i feel you are still around and interested in my life, then stopping these things inspired by you does not make sense. These are good things and should be nurtured. And not doing it is making me feel even more horrible, like my life is wasted :( I have got to a stage of hopeless disaster living!

This is exactly why I feel like a oxymoron :) 

With this in mind, I am trying to start writing again. I do not know if you will respond or even read it, but I want to trust my instinct. Hope you will see and enjoy it (and share) as they are yours as much as they are mine (not some bs dialogue, I mean it)!

Southpaw!

 If you are wondering what this was and why was it blank, let me put you out of your misery. 

I watched this movie couple of weeks ago. I like sports dramas and this was right up my alley with boxing, fallen hero who raises up. He goes from a cocky arrogant selfish world champ to loosing everything, his title, license to fight, all the money and the worst, his love of his life and his only hope, his daughter.

I felt bad when he was stripped off his life, i could relate with some of the things, specially his anger and frustration. 

He then decides to rebuild everything, goes to a small boxing coach and finds work as cleaning the gym including the toilets. But the most difficult was to win back his daughter, his only hope to live. 

She is furious at him for what he did, blames him for losing her mother and wishes he had died instead of her mom. She wants to get out of social security home and be with him but the court wont allow. She avoids her for what he did and yells and screams at him. And all he can do is be patient with her and take her beating. It was not that she did not understand her dads situation but her pain was so much and she could not do much to remove it, only her dad could make it better. And this frustration of him doing nothing different came out as anger and silence.

With everyone else he could fight, react, etc, but not with her, it was such a good way of showing what she meant to him. She avoids him, does not show her face for weeks, shouts, insults, hugs, cries, fights. The patience and care he shows was so touching. To keep everything he was going thru aside and fight his inner self to get better for her was heartwarming. 

That is when i realised what I have to do. It does not matter if I am right or wrong, my reasons, my thoughts, my situation. What matters was what i made you feel and how it hurt you. And me bringing up my pain is useless, it does not reduce yours, it just makes you think I am selfish and dont care about your pain, your issues. 

I have always cared and loved, there is no doubt about it. But i have defended hopelessly, said things that felt like blaming, not listened and dismissed. I understand how that must have felt and why you are the way you are. 

I had to change the things i was doing and show the care the way it makes sense to you. And if there are things that are incorrect, keep silence, hear you out and if needed, provide a explanation. 

Does that mean I am a changed person in 1-2days? no, im still the same. But yes, my behavior has changed, I have understood how to care without conditions. What i dono is how it will work out without explanation (aka defending) but i can give up on that until we get to a stage where explaining can be done without blaming. 

Again, this might not be a good way of dealing with things and you might fear ill go back to my old ways. One thing i can assure is the importance of you in my life. 

- I have stopped writing, like everywhere including journals as i cant share them with you.

- I cant touch the guitar even to try as i dont (and do not want to) know how to play for anyone else, including myself.

- Stopped sketching coz the only person i wanted to share is no longer around

- Stopped seeing the beautiful nature as i noticed it to share with you. I cant avoid it completely, hence the pics i share

Everything I liked, the good changes in me were related to you and I dont feel like doing it without you around. It was not to impress you but my way of sharing with my soul.

You might see the above like some false promise or blabbering that will go away. You might have thought that I will move on, it has been over 6 months now. But I cant, I will be here as this is where i belong, 6 months is long enough for you to see that.

All I am asking is for you to consider talking and see if there are changes. It might not be visible upfront (you might see the same patterns, same ways of asking you to share, cozxing you to talk, getting annoyed, etc), but if you give a few mins, a few tries, you will notice the difference.

I am a good human being, a good friend and a fun person to be around. I do feel I am worth it to take a chance. 

Take Care!