“When we are scared of losing someone, we tend to explain ourselves too much, just so the other person can understand our viewpoint. Instead of taking a stand over our decisions, we spend too much time trying to persuade the other party that we’re doing the right thing. However, when this becomes a daily occurrence, it leads to stress, which can lead to frustration or depression.”
Heard this paragraph from the book 'When the Body Says No' and I could relate to it so much. I am a chronic over-explainer, the one who tries to explain every action to make myself clear and not lose trust (comes from the people-pleasing attribute of mine). This is so true when I am scared of losing someone dear to me. Most times I have no control and can’t stop talking until I make the other person understand or in most cases totally pissed off.
What I didnt realize was the issues it might cause. The problem is, over-explaining kills your confidence, you end up thinking that you are wrong and guilt takes over. Additionally, you may actually add anxiety to the other person, who feels the need to assure your feelings. And almost all the time it looks like I don't give in and try to win every argument. And I don't listen properly and end up preparing my explanation. It is not a defense mechanism but the fear of what an unchanged thought will do to the trust. I never fear losing face thanks to my rascal image, I have always wore it as a crown. But I do fear losing trust.
I don't know how to stop myself though. What if I don't explain and come across like I don't care and leave questions unanswered. This is a valid fear coz I do not over-explain to all, I do it when I really care and want them around in full capacity, others can take a walk :)
Should I stop explaining and risk losing someone I care for? Should I do it to a certain extent and stop when it is too much? If so, how to realize it is too much? Or should I even stop? Could I explain differently that makes my thoughts and feelings come across better?
Lots to explore and practice. But yes, being aware of my fears and my actions is the first step :)
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