Eureka!!!

  ok, have you ever had a brilliant eureka moment and immediately realized how stupid you were all this while? It was right in front but you just didn't see it??? I had this stupid realization yesterday about my feelings and thoughts!!!

I would like to give you an example of how bad I am at identifying things in front of me. Most of us cousins used to be in Mysore for school vacation and had a blast playing, roaming, and eating for 2 months of summer holidays. We used to spend a lot of time with our neighbors, Prof GK from Marimallapas (you can imagine the stature of one of the best lecturers in the best-ranked college in Karnataka, we dearly call him uncle), aunty, and their 2 kids P & V who were our best friends. Uncle was super cool and used to participate in some of the games when he had free time (i would definitely write about him separately, he is an inspiration). One of the most played games was kavade (small sea shells which are used as dice) and we have to roll it to get a perfect 21 to win (start counting when you roll 4/8 and then add up the next till you get 21. If more, you lose and try again in your next turn). Whoever is last (did not get perfect 21) has to do a task, most times kai masiyodu (where you rub hands in front of the winners and they get to hit your hand. If you escape the blow thrice, the game ends). Sometimes, it was bacchidodu, so basically you hide the kavade in the room and the loser finds it no matter how long it takes. If you give up you have to start from scratch or switch to kai masiyodu which is brutal thanks to the beating up.

Once I lost and we were playing the hiding version of it. So 4 kavade's were hidden in the room and I had to find them. I think I found 2 very quickly (one was in the screen cloth on the door and the other was stuck under the teapoy leg..see I remember it so well even after 30 yrs kind). I found another in the music cassette box after searching for almost 30 mins. There was 1 left to find and the game would end. I searched every corner of the room but just couldn't get it. I went through each sofa pillow, cover, table, chair, everyone's pockets, screens, cassettes, tape recorder battery area, literally every corner but just couldn't find it. My cousins and friends were laughing at my plight but wouldn't give away. I went through the same stuff again and again like a madcap. It was lunchtime and everyone headed for a break but I would not give up. I searched for 3 hrs straight but just couldn't find it. I was so adamant that I dint want to give up. But I had no other choice as others were getting frustrated with the lost time. So after 4 hrs I just gave up and asked them where it was. 

That is when my cousin showed it and I felt super stupid. He had pressed the play button of the tape-recorded and managed to put the kavade in the slot in such a way that it wouldn't fall when you rattle it. It was right in front and I must have checked the tape recorded inside out at least 10 times. Not once I thought it could be on the buttons and whiled away for 4 hrs. To add to the pain, I got whacked properly in the kai masiyodu. 😆

In another famous incident (almost everyone knows), I did not see my best friends dating each other even though I was present at almost all events. I do not want to repeat that story and feel stupid 😂

Sometimes it is so easy to ignore things that are right in front of you as you assume it can't be that simple. And you also blind yourself even when it is evident. Your thoughts, dreams, etc cloud you so much that you don't even want to explore all options practically. I have been stuck in a similar parallel universe where I did not see what was in front of me and build an entire story in my head. Yesterday when I was lost in thoughts, I just wanted to explore what could happen. That is when the reality struck me and I was like, how dumb are you dickhead 🙆

Now that I think I have realized what it could be (still not sure, I like to talk and confirm than assume), just need to comprehend and work on the feelings. But yes, it was a stupid eureka moment!!!

- Time late July

Being honest to myself!!!

I am feeling very drained off late and have thought so many times to make changes to get back to my previous self. Yes, I am saying the rascal was far better than this sulking energyless idiot!!!

But, man I have disappointed myself time and again. Plans to play baddy daily - no start, plan to go cycling with kiddo - no start, plan to swim - no start, took cult online membership for yoga/exercise - not used once, plan to take care of my biggest regret of music - no progress...I have disappointed myself so much that I do not take myself seriously. Imagine if I am doing this to myself, how many plans I must have not executed at work and in other's life. No wonder I get a feeling that everyone is disappointed with me. I can definitely see it in my boss's face and immediate family. 

The best thing was that I always used to come good on promises. I still am the only one who arrives on time for a meeting knowing that most others will be late. Not because I am naive, but because I like to be on time and I respect others' time. I have always been there for people and made extra effort to stay in touch. 

Being honest to myself is something I have not been great at and it is getting worse day by day. Time to change it and if I cant, at least be honest to myself and not live a lie!!!

One day at a time!!!

Everyone has heard about living life one day at a time and I am sure many have tried it also. TBH, I have been trying it for a long and I am nowhere close to it. 

Certain emotions and situations take very long to change, especially when you have nothing else to fall back on. My usual go-to option was ignorance but off late I have made a conscious decision to no ignore my thoughts and let them take their own course over time. Grief or should I say unhappiness is something that finds its way back even if you are in the best of situations. All it takes is a small trigger to go through all the emotions and feel beaten up. And if your loved ones are going through the same, it rubs on you. It just feels like an emotional rollercoaster in an endless loop.

It is not all doom and gloom though. There are happy moments that come by in between but are normally ignored in the grand scheme of unhappiness. All I can say is to fully enjoy and hold on to it as long as it lasts. It helps shrug off some cobwebs and bring in some energy. If possible, try to share it with your others, you never know it could be the ray of hope they were looking for. 

So after a few bad days of cluelessness (the feeling of drifting away with no meaning to life) and too much work, today morning felt good. I wasn't in a hurry and so far have been calm with a small smile on my face. I don't know what caused it and I won't break my head thinking of it. I will enjoy this bliss until it lasts and hope it gives me the strength for the busy few weeks.

One day at a time might be difficult, but we can definitely relish one moment at a time 💓

dono the exact date, must be early June :D