All time low!

I have hit an all time low when there is no hope. I wrote this few days back but gave it time to settle as a thought before i publish.

The anxiety, frustration on things I have done have got to a stage of absolute disappointment and feels there is no ways I could redeem myself. You spoke about no remorse for you which hit me hard coz all I have felt for months was very deep guilt and the urge to make it right. This not been seen shows how bad I am behaving and living in my head than showing it in action. And with the lack of sleep, it is the perfect disaster. Imagine not sleeping for days and then waking up within 2hrs just to puke your gut out and not knowing why and how to recover. Just when I thought I can get any worse, I ended up blackmailing.

Last week was hard coz I was with kiddo and I was scared ill give in to my past ways and pestering might go to a stage of no return. And it did go there - i ended up blackmailing. I know how useless I'm, don't want to be hated, I can't see that in your eyes.

Honestly, I did not know that is how it was. I was reaching out for help and telling how it felt, the idea was to get assistance than blackmail. The Minute i got to know how it was coming across, I wanted to stop it. I am not using an excuse, this is my truth even if it looks wrong. Just think, what if my pain was real and I genuinely was trying to reach out for help and not just get things done m way? I still agree that I should not have forced you to do something you did not want, that was wrong, but I was not trying to blackmail you into it. It was very kind of you to do something for me and I will always be grateful for it. I promise I will never blackmail you into doing anything. Im ashamed of what I did, it was a horrible thing to do and put you into a scary situation :( I am really sorry.

I always had hope and a good vibe to attract. Now it is the opposite, no one would want to be around this mess. I'm glad you decided to be away and chose your happiness over this. I wanted to show you that I do not have any bitterness and I think I have done that over the past months, if not I'm sorry. 

Given how messy I'm, it is best for me to stay away and let you be at peace and happiness. You were very clear how i should be ok with not getting a response and I have been ok with it for yrs now. I continued sending pics, songs, thoughts, etc thinking that will help us get better. But many of my actions have pushed you away than make things better. I do not want you to avoid me and TBH the feeling of being avoided/ignored is making me feel even more low.  That is why I have stopped messaging, even on the group as you do not want to engage much there also. 

I did write this "I don't want either of us to quit the grp, you are already silent there (especially when it concerns me) and then only reason I'm there was for you. I'll also be silent and stay away." but it is too late, you did what you felt was right.

Sorry if this feels like 14th time but I'm not going anywhere. As I said, I'll wait for you to do whatever you can do for me and try to be happy with it. You decide what i deserve and I will not expect anything else. I know I have said this multiple times but I am serious this time. Hopefully me not begging/pestering/forcing you over the last few days is showing my seriousness. I am waiting for you to ping me one to one and have some conversation that you are comfortable with, you define the boundaries and ill stick to it. We can agree on how it should be in the short term and take it from there. If you direct anything to me on the group, ill engage. I am not in that mental stage to handle being avoided. I have imagined a lot that I am important to you and the things you do has something to do with me, but that feeling is eroding. It is hard to imagine being a nobody in your life but Ill make my peace.

The ball is in your court and you decide how and when to engage. Ill show the patience needed. If there is anything you want me to do, say it, you know I love doing things for you and I will try my best.

U know I'll always wait and hope for you to be brave enough to try. but I do not want to be the pestering, begging, pathetic person in your life, you deserve the best and someone who will add value to your wonderful life. 

One thing you were absolutely wrong was that I will be "happy" no matter what. The last few months have been a eye opener to me, I don't want to ignore and be ok. Is rather be pathetic than pretend to be happy. I have changed a lot and will continue this on my own. I have thought about your suggestion on leaning on to others in my life but that is not an options, this is my battle and I will fight it out and hope to become a better especially to you. I still hope I'll get a chance someday to show you this, not coz I deserve it but coz I know that you are kind person and I have had a small positive impact on you.

I have been horrible in showing change. You do you and continue ur path of peace and happiness. Just promise me that you will try (even for 5 secs a day) to negotiate with yourself and get back to being with in whatever ways you can. Take care kuse, Ill wait for you to message :)

You can ping me anytime you want. If you are scared to ping me, you can ping when im in office and we can work on it. 

PS: I'm away to Italy from 18th to 29th July. Going alone as kids were not allowed to the wedding and I was not keen on just going with k. Im seriously thinking of cancelling given my state, Nodona. Just wanted to let you know if you are planning to visit Blore. You don't have to  find reasons to avoid me if you don't want to meet. I know how bad i was in December and even I wouldn't not want to meet that person.