Change takes time especially to make it sustainable. And I have been a culprit of getting back to old ways quickly and forget about the change I wanted to bring in. Hence it never showed clearly and everything looks the same.
Hopefully this time I can show the consistency and clear results that I was working on. They say it takes 3 weeks to make it a habit and it has been 3 weeks since I last pestered you!
It has taken a lot of effort to restrain myself and not bother you and give you the space to think and decide what you want to do. It is not easy to just stay away and wait in the hope that you will reach out and do something or anything that you want to do. And not seeing anything makes me fear the worst that I am no longer needed, adds to the anxiety and non-stop thoughts. But I think I have reached to a stage that of faith on you that whatever you are doing or not doing is something you have consciously decided and it is for your happiness. And this feeling of you being happy in your life with your loved ones helps me settle down.
Obviously there are many times in a day when I go crazy and feel really sad and discarded and question my existence, but i try to manage it with faith. The faith that you will be back and make me part of your life. You might think I am being stupid and naive but thinking this, but I dono why I have this incredible belief in us. Like i just know it.
Rishikesh was a very different experience this time. After talking to you I realised what I was putting you through and how unfair it was on you. I had to change things and not put into such a horrible situation for no fault of yours but I dint know how. I sat on the banks of Ganga and was staring at the flowing water completely blank. That is when i saw this beautiful small bird (size of a sparrow but with a tail that could be spread while flying) trying to skim the water (might be to hunt) and quickly fly away. It came near the rock I was and it looked so good that I wanted to take a pic. Everytime i tried it would fly away from the rock and it was so tiny, i could not capture it well from far, below is a pic. After good 10 mins, i just gave up the idea of a close up pic and just stared at its movement, flight. It looked happy and free flying at will and resting where needed and enjoying life. I just felt I should let you be free.
I just took a leap of faith decided that I will not beg/pester/blackmail/force you into anything you do not want. I will let you free from my clutches, you deserve to fly and enjoy your peace. And if you come back (which I have great belief in) in whatever way you can, I will enjoy those moments without the expectation and stress of capturing it.
I somehow end up in the right place at the right time. Atharv was a bit under the weather after rafting for 2 days and we cancelled the trek plans. He wanted to rest in the hotel and I was going mad thinking about you and what to do. I go to know that there was a yoga retreat in the hotel I was staying and enquired about it. Arvind, a young yoga guru graciously accepted me for the 2 days i was there. Another young yoga asana teacher Esha taught some good aasanas but Arvind's cleansing session, pranayama and meditation session was a blessing. Instead of fighting my thots, i was able to observe them and actually be ok with them being in my head. That evening we saw Ganga Aarti on a ghat close to our hotel which was very small scale but fell devine. Not coz of my religious faith but the was of celebrating nature. Obviously being with the kiddo helped me feel loved.
I have been on this journey since then. I am trying to meditate more, attended couple of pranayama sessions of Arvind, been consistent with exercise and trying so new hobbies with kiddo (nothing lavish, just trying to do something instead of thinking about it). And in general, I can say I am slightly better and do feel different. I am not depressed or joyful, it feels at times that im just floating away even when I am consciously trying to look inside. I am not able to do many of the things before, for example listening to songs, I have associated songs with you and not able to share it with you kills me. I am trying hard to be ok with my loneliness and actually start to accept it. Not coz I do not have people around me but I actually want to be alone and focus on learning about myself. All this while i was fighting my thoughts, now I am trying to observe them and see what is causing them. Instead of feeling anxious about losing you, I am working on celebrating your presence and the impact it has had on me.
There are days when I do get angry and annoyed that you have not reached out even once. But I do try to understand why it could be the case. And most times, I feel abundance of love and care from you just by looking back at the things you have done for me, I genuinely do. I actually spread my arms and can feel your hugs and feel overwhelmed with the abundance of your presence. You might say it is all imagination in my head, but isnt everything in our heads.
I did not deserve all the thing you did for me, I should not have put you through those horrible times and I took it for granted which I regret a lot. I hope you have healed and I understand why you might have decided to be away. But I still have hope that I will get a chance to show you the change I am going through. I have told you in the past that I will be back in weeks, months or yrs as I was not sure about my situation which was really hard for you. It has been only 3 weeks and is only fair that I should wait for 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 yrs or even 3 decades for you to make me a part of your life.
