Lonely is a difficult one, it forces you to live with yourself and make peace. There is no running away, no lying, no people pleasing, nothing fake, no distractions (even if you di, you have to come back to yourself), there is no escape.
This feeling of lonely has been there for quite sometime now. When no one gets you, everything turns ugly and all you do is to defend yourself, you get to know it is time for change, it is time to accept your situation and go through it on your own.
But feeling lonely is completely different than actually being lonely. When you feel lonely, you still have people around to make it slightly better, it is still a comfort zone. The reality that there is no one around you and this is how it will be is scary. This weekend has been the loneliest I have ever been, yes, been not felt. The perfect situation with parents away, wife moving out and lack of life to talk to anyone. The whole sannata of the house, the endless thoughts, the pain, the tears and no way out. It feels like I am in a coffin and have no will to get out. Even a friend meeting me for an hr just didnt help, I was able to put up a good face but I just wanted to get back to my coffin. And the lack of appetite or sleep made me a zombie.
Getting out of bed early and going for a walk in probably the best area in Bangalore GKVK with 3000 acres of green vastness, on probably the best weather Bangalore has seen in the last decade dint help. Actually it made it worse, everything beautiful reminded me of the soul I have lost. How do you enjoy the beauty in nature when the very reason you looked at it was because of your soulmate. Wandering around aimlessly for 1-2 hrs just poured more grief. Even the best breakfast I have had this yr, the millet idly from a roadside cart which filled my tummy dint help with my pain, it increased the guilt.
Waiting to tell my parents about the situation was worse than I thot, I could see the tears welling up in mom and the disappointment and concern of the society in dad. Given that they were helping solve family problems for close relatives, they couldn't believe their own household was in a mess. Seeing mom cry daily and not able to share it with me or her sisters, just makes me hate myself.
But the worst was not that. The perfect killing moment was to see kiddo back after the weekend and not able to stand in front of me and wanting to run away. He didnt know what to say and how to react, he just wanted to go. That one moment made me realize how bad the situation is.
Knowing I would be alone for a long time now was enough pain but the thots of my loved ones made it unimaginably hard. Your wife thinks you are a cheat and dosn't need anyone, your best friend thinks you are a blatant liar who can move on easily ignoring the grief, your friends think you are characterless but dont tell you that, your parents see you as a failure who cant make a marriage work, the world thinks you are chilled like nothing has happened. When there is nothing for you to look up to or support you, it is hard to continue living, you want to disappear from the face of this earth. But when you realize, you have the one thing that matters to you the most, the one thing you can die for, the one thing that brings joy to you and makes your life worth living, you hold onto it, you cherish it, you fight for it, you live for it.
And yes, I have that one thing, my life, my son, my everything. I will live for him, I will give him all the love I have and I will embrace being lonely for him!
I have made peace with the fact that I cant change anyone, all I can do is look inside and change myself to take it all in and wish the best for all!
