Life!

 I am fascinated by how human relationships work. TBH, until a few yrs back I treated almost everything the same and give it similar attention. Off late, I have tried to view them from a distance and see how they look and try to make some sense of it rather than just go with the flow.

There have been some amazing bonding and some disappointments also. Some have stayed strong and proved the test of time like my cousins or a few college friends (some have faded away without a trace in the same cousins/college friends). Some surprisingly new ones have been created, I am still gobsmacked by how my primary school friends have become besties now :) And some very good ones have just vanished like they never existed (which I feel bad about at times but such is life). Some have become stable and continue to flourish like immediate family. Some have become mere acquaintances which feels a bit blah! Some have inspired me like my mentors or role models. And few have changed the way I think and feel and made me a better person :)

But there is one relationship that has grown beyond imagination and that is with my son. A bond that started the day he was conceived has grown so much that he has become my LIFE. I never thought there could be something like unconditional love and realized that kids are probably the only ones. There are no expectations and you feel elated just by giving. 

At the start, my normal routine was to run my hand over my wife's tummy and feel his kicks. I have spent hours at night doing that and playing with him. The few hrs before he was just born was probably the most stressful I have ever been with the complications and stuff. He arrived in a completely filmy fashion with his heart racing at 150 bpm and a suction pump delivery and through a bad tear. Wifey when through the most difficult pain I have ever seen or can Imagine making him happen. My respect for wifey and women shot through the sky and has remained there. No man can even be as strong as a woman.

His first look and the feel of holding him were unimaginable. Thanks to the complicated birth, I had the responsibility of the kiddo to give wifey well-deserved rest. So I had to feed him his first bottle of milk and clean his first potty and give him his first bath. TBH, I have never enjoyed anything else like these so-called dirty jobs. 

I can still close my eyes and go back to the moment I gave his first bath, how tiny he was, how he looked at me, how I felt, and how he trusted me fully to surrender in my arms without any doubt, worry or question. 

Since then, all this became my responsibility while wifey took care of the entire house. And I enjoyed it thoroughly from messy feeding to cleaning to putting to bed. 

I never thought I could do any of it. As a background, I had never stepped inside the kitchen for the most part of my life. I would not even take a towel to the bathroom and used to shout for it later (just realized where the kiddo got this habit from, strong genes :D), never did dishes, never paid any bills, like a typical spoilt brat only child :D Most of it is still the same but things change only for him.

I remember taking this pic of him holding my finger which is probably my fav of all the pics I have. I felt complete. So much so that I posted the pic on FB and quit it forever, I did not need any social media anymore. 

One of my best memories is from the cold Liverpool winter days when I used to come back from the office, freshen up, have a quick bite, take my shirt off, and put the kiddo on my chest to relax. The warmth from him was unexplainable (imagine cold windy gloomy weather and feeling like summer inside) and I used to doze off. It actually made me feel safe which was so strange how can a 1-month old baby make an adult feel safe :) But such is the feeling. And fast-forward a decade and I know exactly why I feel safe. Even today when I am worried or feel uncertain, I just cuddle him and all my worries feel less. It makes me complete and gives me hope :)

The time I have spent on holidays with him has been super fun. Thanks to the early age of travel, he loves it and craves to travel. He likes living in hotels, exploring the facilities and the cities, crazy about the swimming pool and the flights :) I do not know of a kid who can get up at 2am, freshen up, and have breakfast to catch an early morning flight with so much enthusiasm :) 

I was so surprised and proud by the way he took up cycling. He started using a balance bike at when he was 18 months old and loved it (We still have that bike as a showpiece at home). He had used it so much that the bearings have worn out. His love for that bike was crazy, all I had to do was take away the bike to stop him from throwing tantrums :D (TBH, he doesn't do it much). We finally had to get him a proper bike when he was around 3 yrs old and I took him to teach cycling on the Liverpool docks. I held his shoulder for the first 20 mtrs and let him go. He got to cycling like a fish gets to the water. I have never seen anyone pick up cycling within 20 mtrs :D

There are many such incidents that make me feel special and in awe. The best part is that he is a normal kid with average marks, average at sports and other things. He gets along with all and is not fussy about most things. That is what makes it special about kids, they don't have to do anything different to be special. And trust me, I want him to be normal like that, nothing extraordinary, he is much cooler this way :D

Looking at how far he has come makes me joyful! I realize it is not just his birthday but mine too, as a new person, as a giver, as an unconditional carer, as a joyful provider, as a proud watcher, as a strict teacher, as a silly talker, as a father :)

There is a long way to go and I will grow with him. He is already showing traits of a teenager and will have a challenging time changing as per his needs. I absolutely enjoy holding his hands and giving him a massage. I dont know if a teenager will have that connection but I will try my best to be his friend :) I would love to relive my teenage days with him and probably encourage him to do things (especially the stupid ones) that I never got to do ;) The last decade has been brilliant and looking forward for the next decades to come and see him flourish :D

And no matter what, he will be my dearest, my inspiration, my strength, my life!!!

Illegal immigrant!!

 I was not aware that foreigners in India must have a valid passport all the time irrespective of having an oci or not. Kiddo's passport expired during peak covid and I did not realize it as we didn't travel anywhere. I managed to check it after 6 months and applied for one. As he lived in India without a passport, had to pay a fee of over 200$ to make it legal. The govt has some lenience until September 21 but anytime street that had a span of fine. Huh, ignorance isn't bliss in such things.

Nam deshadalli naave illegal immigrant aahhogthini antha kanasallu kandirlilla. This is how life can change, in 17 yrs I went from not having a passport as I was too patriotic and loved my home to different citizenship to having illegal immigration in my own country😄 such is life, kuch bhi ho sakta hai😉 

Thoughtless!!!

 I don't remember a time in my life when I did not have any thoughts in my head for more than a few seconds. There is always something churning and most times it is repetitive. Whether it is to do with family, work, kids, lucid dreams, or crazy thoughts, there is always something going on. Today this changed.

From the time I got on the plane, my mind was completely clear. I enjoyed looking at the scene outside and had this calming smile on my face. Like there was nothing else to bother me. The sea was clear, the muddy river left a trail of brown where it met the sea, and the fields were filled with patches of different green like it was a painting, ppl around me we in their zone and the horizon had few clouds, the sun was out. It just looked so fulfilling that I did not need an else.

For someone who is constantly thinking, this was a new experience. It was so different that I could not believe it. Even the kiddo came to my thoughts once. At one moment I actually tried to think about kiddo or recent activities and then it automatically stopped. I did not have to switch it off, it just happened. In the last few months, I have tried vainly to stop thoughts by just couldn't so much so that I have had multiple sleepless nights. So you can imagine how much I liked this.

So what was different today?? I tried something which was on my bucket list for 2 decades. When I was sitting in a typical Sightseeing office, I just saw this activity and said I'll do it without even thinking. I had not even thought of it while planning the vacation Like it was meant to be. Today morning I was picked up by the team and after 30 mins of waiting for others, I reached there, the process was fast, and the instructions were clear. I was literally harnessed by a cool trainer from Birmingham and was led to the plane. Yes, I was all set for my first skydive🙂

We met a group of Indian fun jumpers who fell in love with the sport and took it seriously. Since starting 18 months ago, they have done 90 dives. When we asked how it will be, he said -I can't explain how an orgasm feels to a virgin, so just go enjoy it and tell me how it was😉

Strangely to my surprise, I was not excited or anxious. There was this never-ending smile on my face of contempt and bliss all throughout. So much so that the video guy said, you look really happy and enjoying it, isn't it😄 the 20 mins to get to 13k feet was awesome filled with calm, silence, and looking at the pro divers communicating in sign language. They hardly spoke to us and just a pat once in a while to check if we were ok, probably letting everyone get into their zone.

Once we reached the altitude,  I was latched to the tandem diver and watched other fun jumpers dive into the open sky which was so cool. Another tandem diver was scared and somehow went along. When my turn came, I was still calm and happy living in the moment. I followed the instructions clearly.

When we got to the door, there was this slight scare but my smile kinda masks it well. With the right position, we jumped🙂

the next few seconds I don't remember much, too many things happened at the same time. The gushing wind filled my lungs, the noise, the fall, the adrenaline, the views, the instructions, the video..all happened in seconds and I just went with the flow or in this case, fall :)) looking at the pics and video I'm able to recollect few things. Once we reached 5k feet, the parachute was deployed and we suddenly hung up in Air. That was an incredible feeling of lightness and floating in the air like a bird. I just wanted to stay there forever and look at the world below. The feeling was unreal. The instructor made circling moves to stay in the right area which made me a bit dizzy. And we were well-positioned to land. He gave instructions to keep my legs up and let him land, which he did perfectly and missed a big puddle by a foot. I got up with a huge grin and hi-fied him for the fun and ended my jump😄

All throughout there were no thoughts just blank bliss. It felt complete in a strange way. Probably this is what is called peace, forgetting everything and living in the moment enjoying everything around you. Not once I was scared for life, and not once did I think of anything, I was just flying🙂

I am definitely going to do it again and if things go well, get trained for fun jumps on my own. That will be something to look forward to. For now, I'm happy and at peace ✌️

PS: I didn't realize till yday evening that I don't have shoes for the jump as I traveled in my crocs. After roaming for 2hrs I found the only shoe that fit me which was cheap and horrible. Kinda a knockoff of an Adidas knockoff. But it did the job perfectly like everyone else did to make it a great experience 👼

Friendship Day!!!

 Friendship day has been big since I was in school. It was a day to mark your best friends and how famous you were. I still remember there were so-called friendship bands that kids used to exchange. The ones who couldn't afford it would create them using the wool and use it. Kids used to like to flaunt these bands and the more you had the more famous you were.

I on the other hand hated this concept. I could not come to terms with having a particular day for anything. Like Mother's Day, how can you have just one day for someone who has put in so much effort for you to be what you are? Every day has to be celebrated. How can you celebrate these special relationships just for one day when it impacts you for years. It is for every day, isnt it? And also not having stupid money to splurge on useless stuff and the laziness to be artistic/creative could have influenced this thinking :) I have always been that odd one out who hates these specific dates, birthdays were a small exception, but not by far (hated going overboard with these celebrations). 

Over the years most of these thoughts have stayed and most of these days are ignored :) So, why am I writing about it??? This year something happened around Friendship Day/week which actually made me think this is how it should be if we have to celebrate it. 

The week just after friendship day I met most of my close friends multiple times. Obviously, it was nothing to do with celebrating but it was fate I guess, it had to be that week. There were a few of us who just wanted to catch up for coffee and say goodbyes to the ones living far off. 5 friends who had so many things going on in their life but came together to spend some time together. It started with some chitchat with leg pulling, cheeky comments thrown at each other and loads of laughter. We were so loud, we had to move to the balcony seating to avoid disturbing the serious remote working community indoors. And also change seat couple of times to fit in us 5. Some ridiculous conversations that I do not remember made us laugh like mad. Thanks to this we decide to continue to a pub for a few drinks. 

The atmosphere was great and the conversations were awesome. Normally when you meet people from a bigger gang, most times you end up talking about the rest of the people who could not be around, and the usual group dynamics, gossip follows. But this day was different. I do not recollect talking about anyone else or even ourselves. It was some old memories, funny stories, weird imagination, creativity, and fun :) I was so engrossed I hardly remember what we spoke. Im sure others remember more than I do (I have never been good at remembering things, probably good at living the moment).

After spending a couple of hrs with drinks, food, and laughter, we decided to leave with joy-filled hearts. But the cosmos had one last surprise for us. As we were getting down the stairs, we heard some live music. It sounded cool and we walked in a small restaurant with a guy singing with his guitar and one keyboardist in the background. I cant explain how good the next 30 mins were. He sang most of the songs we had heard and the vibe of the place was awesome. All were singing along and the place was lit up. But us 5 were in a different world I felt. 

One was moving to a different country after a long time and planning to settle there for a few years with family. Huge move after having everything here :)

One was going through baggage of self-image and emotional turmoil

One was going through a major change at work and how the career might impact it

One was going through some business issues thanks to the pandemic

And one was going through the toughest times of their life with dear ones not well and had to manage the entire situation alone.

Despite all this, we sang on top of our voices, we huddled and floated away. I had no thoughts, no past no future no present, just filled with content :) I guess we all had a similar feeling of content and could let go of our thoughts for a while and just enjoy. And just having friends around to live that moment was special. 

The pictures do justice to what it was on the day but I do not need them to go back there. I can close my eyes and float back to the scene and relive it. Sometimes when you are going through a rough patch, the universe plans something to make you feel better and most other times, it sends you friends to do the job :D And that is what happened on that day. 

This is what friends mean to me, a support structure, a cushion, a beating stick, a crying shoulder, an open book without needing to read/talk, a fun energizer, a listener, a teller, a life changer :D. That day helped me a lot in terms of reassurance and belief, and more than anything else, having fun :) I am sure it must have helped others to get some positivity in difficult situations (I could see it on their faces, it was great to witness that).

As I said, I do not believe in Friendship Day but if you want to celebrate, it should be like this. Nothing planned, total impromptu (Im sure none of us knew it was friendship week), and random. It gives hope that any day could be like this, blissful :) 

So cheers to Friendship Days, get those bands out and start sharing/caring!!!