We were so close back then, we were inseparable (me, him & her). Spent almost the entire day together in the office and outside. So much so that we knew everyone and everything in each other's life. Or that is what I thought. Soon there were rumors that the other two were dating and I was asked about it. Me being the closest friend had not seen any difference between them in the last year and denied any rumors. So much so that I tried to stop people talking shit about them but in vain. After a few months, it became even more with almost all convinced they were together. I still dint believe it as I was always around almost like a parasite, we saw all movies together, had all meals together, went on trips together, etc. Soon I started to have doubts, I thought why would everyone say it (even some close friends), got to be some fire behind the smoke.
I somehow got the courage to tell him about these rumors. The next day both took me out and told me they were together. They were super excited and in the corner of their eye, I could see some hesitation. On the day, I was elated, absolutely chuffed that my best friends are together. I could see how relieved they were. To keep a memory of this day, we took one of those printed pencil sketched portrait which I still have with me.
But soon after this, I started feeling very anxious thinking why did I not know about it. Why was I living in denial and why did they not tell me, how can I be so clueless? The more I thought, the more horrible I felt. I had become the laughing stock of the office. The dumb friend who could see his best friends dating. I had been tagged the official KMH (kabab mein haddi) who was in between the 2 love birds.
More than anything else, I got a feeling of being betrayed. They were going out and many of our common friends were fully aware for months, they had gone on double dates, etc and I had no clue. Why did they not trust me, what was wrong with me? Is it because I was single, or I talked a lot and might blurt it out in the wrong forum? What was I, a distraction/clown/pawn for them to date in secret? Was I wrong in not assuming things and waiting for them to tell? How could I be so stupid? Can I trust anyone after this? The whole thought killed me and with this newfound information of them dating, I did not know what to do. Should I hang around like before or like what others said, should I give them their 'space'? One thing I did not give up on is my faith in them, I trusted them with me life any day, but yes, patience was running out. I decided to give space and tried to avoid going out. I had enough gangs to travel and started to be away and might have faded away. Him being him (one person who knew me better than I myself did) caught me within weeks and blasted me.
"This is the exact reason we dint tell you, we did not want you to change and treat us differently. You were there all the time and we want it to be the same. You are more than family to us, we 3 are the best friends and nothing will change it. Knowing you, you will run away if you think you don't belong which we feared. You were there all thought out, the day when we confessed to having a crush, you dumbass just took it as a conversation, we laughed our ass off thinking how innocent you were. You were sleeping on my shoulder when we proposed to each other, you were there on our first date, you were with us almost all the time. We want you to be around in the same way, forever". I was so overwhelmed with this, I did not know how to react. All my bad thoughts just vanished and I also felt ashamed for judging without knowing why they did it. Gave him a big hug and we three went out for dinner like every other day. Since then, I have wore that tag of KMH with pride. So much so, I claimed her to be the KMH between us two guys 😂 I was the best man and the bride's mate in their hindu wedding, I was treated like a family on both sides, the closest one who ran around like mad to make sure the wedding was fun. We continue to be great friends and are just a call away. I spend time with them whenever I travel to UK no matter how busy my schedule is. When I meet a common friend, the first thing they ask is how them two are doing and then come to my family and kids. I take pride in that.
Thinking about it, what would have happened if I had lost faith and drifted away? What if I had assumed things and started to build a hatred? What if he did not see me drift away and not explained? Life would have continued but I would have lost my best friends forever and probably lived with the regret of not knowing them properly. I just thank my faith which did not give up!
It is very easy to assume, especially when there is no communication, you see it only from your point of view and as time passes it gets worse. The benefit of the doubt is gone and only the worst thoughts remain. It is not easy to trust, especially when you do not get the full truth from your loved ones. It hurts more as you thought you knew them well and there could be another side to them. The feeling of betrayal creeps in and soon turns to hurt. How can they be so disconnected, how can they do this to me, lie, hideaway, runaway, etc. You start doubting if they were ever true and could have been pretending all this while (were they true anytime, was I taken on a ride?). Somehow I have had this blind faith in people and not try to read too much. My simple thinking is if I can leave my son with them to take care, I am trusting them with the most important person in my life. I have faith in them and hope that they will come around. If they don't, it is ok, they have their reasons.
But all are not the same, everyone has gone through different things and sees people differently. Some might think it is just not worth their thought. It is not fair enough, nothing is reciprocated and you are left to think 'what did I do wrong? I was there all the time and this is what I get, a lie and be used to be discarded at will'. They should either be there or not, why pretend. I think it is ok to call them out as foul, selfish assholes (for not being around, for not telling the truth, for betraying, being used) and move on. It is better than being hurt and hate daily. You deserve something better and can't keep waiting forever!!!
But somewhere if you have some good thought left for them, see if you can harness it, keep that faith with patience. Try not to build the hate and come to conclusions. Ignore if needed than feel hurt. You never know, there is a reason behind it (which is not visible in their fun life where you dont seem to be important) and they might come around. You could be a KMH in someone's life and feel proud about it.
As baba said, Shraddha Aur Saburi!!
